NYE

For new years eve we decided to celebrate at a hotel. We rented a hotel room and Sam and Kylie got a room at the same hotel. 

We were all drinking in the lobby. People laughing smiling. The overwhelming sound of the same songs we heard a million times but are so much more fun when being played on DJ speakers. 

The first jack and coke gave me a slight buzz. The second one made me feel giddy and light.The third made me a little drunk. The glass of champagne the hotel bar gave out for the midnight countdown turned a little drunk into a lot drunk.  

He went to the bathroom. After a moment or two, I decided to wait for him by the bathroom. An older guy walked past and for a second we held eye contact. He had to be like 26. He made me laugh as we talked about superficial things. Tyler cam back from the bathroom and just stared blankly at me. When he saw me he looked at me like he didn't even recognize me. Like I was ailen to him. Like I was some sad strange sloppy girl saw from afar. The clock stuck midnight and the room swirled of affectionate exchanges between, friends, lovers and the somewhere inbtweens. Tyler just looked at me. The guy I was talking to went to the bathroom. I tried to say sorry, I reached for his hand, he cut me off said save it, and walked off into the crowded room of people.

I found my friends but I couldn't even finish my champagne. She grabbed my arm, and told me to stay. I had to get out of there. I was overwhelmed by the sound of glasses clinking, light hearted exchanges of old friends, and the piercing buzz of noise makers and balloons popping. I slowly made way my way out the room tripping over my own feet and nudging people out of the way. 

I stood upon of endless sea of red stairs that made me feel like child standing next to the ocean for the first time and realizing how small they were. My stomach burned from the alcohol. I could taste the garlic from the pasta I'd had for dinner in my back of my throat. It wasn't until I stood outside the hotel room that I realized I didn't have a key. I slammed down on the door handle and shook it up an down a few times and then completed my temper tantrum with a stomp of my black studded heels. I slid down the wall and sat down on the ground in front of the room. Normally I would have scorned the idea of sitting in a hotel hallway but I was too drunk to care. I curled my legs in my chest and rested my head on my legs tears ran down my face and I didn't even bother to wipe them away. It didn't matter that I was ruining my Chanel mascara cost thirty dollars or that I was probably making a hole in my new opaque purple tights. All I could think about was the night I could have had. 

I started being okay with being locked out of the room. When that hotel room door swung open I'd have to face the expectations and the reality. We were supposed to have wild sex on those Egyptian cotton sheets but instead I'll sleep ten feet away from him and we'll exchange two mumbles words. In the morning, I'll forget what a mess I'd made and I'll wake up smiling thinking about my dream and then I'll remember and my heart will fall into my stomach. After about sitting there for ten minutes a terrible thought crossed my mind, what if he never showed up? What if he left the hotel all together and went home?

My mind raced. I could see him walking to the parking lot and then his car pulling onto the high way. Who would i call to get me? I'd already done enough damage to my best friends night. I pictured my mom slipping into her navy gap sweats and pulling her hair into the a pony tail and grabbing the car keys from the shelf.

As I delved into my likely abandonment, I heard the doors of the elevator open. I looked to see him walk out and quickly looked away. 

When he got to the room he stood in front of me with his hands in his pockets. His eyes were a mix of disgust and heartache. It pained to see him like this. I wanted to touch hum. But the onset pain of him flinching when I touched him  prevented me from doing so. 

The silence engulfed me like I was drowning in the ocean and couldn't come up for air. 

Unable to bear the tortureous silence I asked him "What are you doing here?"

This might be news to you, but this is my hotel room.

I sucked in my breath as the sting set in. It was his hotel room not our hotel room.

What, Emily you though thirty minutes would go by and it's all okay again? Everything forgotten? 

Well we we're obviously going to have to talk about it if we want to get passed it

Talk about what? How I went to the bathroom and you threw yourself at some old guy? This night was supposed to be about us. It was supposed to be special. Now all I want to do is leave

You are to drunk to drive and do you really want to be in a car with me right now?

Who said if I left I'd take you with me?You know if I wanted to spend new year's eve with a easy drunk girl I would have just gone to a bar. There would have been no need to rent a hotel room. Would have been a lot less money too.

I know what I did was fucked up but I didn't even do anything.

Didn't do anything. When someone asks how my new years eve was what am I gonna say? It was really great, my girlfriend got drunk start stumbling around and then I went to the bathroom and I come back to find her locked eyes with some old guy and I couldn't even get her to kiss me at midnight. 

He doesn't even try to get another dig in. My face is pale and white. 


"I am so sorry Baby I know better than to drink this much I know better than to do this to you. You deserve so much better than a night like this"

It seems to nibble away at some of the ice on his heart but it isn't enough so I keep going. "I am too old to handle my alcohol this poorly. My entire life I've never been a someone to kiss on News Years and when I finally have one and I decide to make eyes at some old guy while my boyfriends in the bathroom. Tonight was supposed to be about us to celebrate how great last year was and to hope that next year is going to be just a good. We made plans, we took off work, we spent money. And I decide to turn into some drunk loser who isn't me. 

And then I couldn't hold back the tears anymore and I started to cry softly and gently. 

He stands there and just looks at me. His eyes look sad and worn and I could tell the mad had faded and maybe disapointment had set in. I wondered if he wished he was single or if he'd rather be with his brother or the boys. I wondered if all of my good moments made up for this really horrible one. I wondered if it still hurt him to see me cry. 

He didn't say a word. He reached for my hands and pulled me to my feet. I wobbled for a second and then he held me for what seemed like hours. I stopped thinking about all the ways tonight went wrong and all the things I should have done to make it go right. He grabbed my face and kissed me. I could taste the beer he'd had to calm down. He lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around the chest. He fumbled with the key. The only word I had left to say was: Hurry.

He dropped me on the sheets of the hotel bed and began to unbutton his shirt.  I closed my eyes and remembered what New Year's eve was all about: how far I have come, taking a honest look at where I am now, and a fresh dedication towards where I am headed.

Stop I say.Before this has a chance to go any farther. As much as I want to kiss and make up I need to know we've put this behind us. 

Last night my boyfriend and I were out at a bar for new year's. I got a little drunk (3 drinks), and then the bar gave out free champagne for the midnight countdown. About 5 minutes before midnight my boyfriend decided to go to the bathroom, and he said he'd be quick, so I waited outside the bathroom for him to make sure we'd be together to kiss at midnight. When he came out, we still had a couple minutes left, went and joined back up with the other people we were with, and did the countdown. We all cheersed at midnight and then instead of kissing me, he turned around and started talking to this wrinkly old lady. I looked around and everyone else was kissing, but right in front of me, my boyfriend had his back in my face. So i poked him in the back and he turned around and I was like.. you're supposed to kiss me! So he did, but in a really exaggerated silly way. So I got upset. I don't think I'm a stupid girl, but getting a kiss at midnight on new year's is really important to me for some reason. All he kept saying was "come on, let's not make this a big deal." We left the bar and I told him outside that it was really important to me and it seems he doesn't care, and he was like "I didn't know you were so into appearances, this really changes my opinion of you!" -- as if I only wanted a kiss for the appearance? So I left him on the street and got a ride home with my sister. We were only a few blocks from our house (my boyfriend and I live together), and he walked home. When he got home, I was sitting outside our apartment in the hallway because I was locked out. He kept saying he wouldn't talk to me until I was sober, but I really didn't feel that drunk. We started arguing and I kept saying that I'm allowed to care about something and he should care that it's important to me, and it seems he doesn't care about me. He said "it's true, I don't care about you as much as you want me to" and I completely lost my temper and punched him in the stomach. I guess I punched him in the balls by accident and he kicked me back (he was sitting down), and I started punching him in the face and he pushed me away and ripped my shirt. It got really bad. I don't have any injuries except for the ripped shirt, but he had a scratch on his neck that was bleeding. I have also hit him twice before when I was drunk, but never this bad, and he never really got mad at me for it. I have never hit anyone else before or had so much anger.. why am I becoming like this??

He and I have been under a lot of stress lately, he only had 1 day off of work for the entire month of December through xmas eve, then we spent the holidays with my family who don't really treat him with much respect. We love each other a lot, but are always so stressed out together. You can read my last question from a few months ago if you want some history. I feel that it was mostly my fault that it got so bad, and he has had a bad/stressful holiday due to my family, but also I think he is right that he doesn't care about me as much as I want him to. I try so hard all the time to be reasonable and fair with him, I buy him things all the time (for example, before we went out, I got $80 out of the atm and gave him $40 to have for the night), his life has been a mess and I have dedicated the last 1.5 years of my life trying to help him get on his feet because I love him so much. I let him live in my room without paying rent for 11 months, then I bought us a car (he paid for a little of it, but I paid for over 2/3 of it and all the insurance), and I moved across the country with him so he could get a fresh start. He has been working hard, and I love him, but this is crazy. I am so confused. He is sleeping in the guest room right now and I just want things to be good when he wakes up, but I think he'll be upset with me cuz of the scratch on his neck. It's the first day of a new year. Last year was so hard. What should I do?


As he kicked my neck I closed my eyes and remembered how far I'd have come, an honest view on where I am, and a fresh dedication towards where I am headed.

Butterflies

My arms tingled. My chest tightened and I could barely breath. I was overwhelmed by the painful fluttering of my queasy stomach that was up in my throat in one moment and down to my knees the next.  It was like an ocean swirled inside of me. Shanking, tingling, jittering, and doing kart wheels. My skin was warm to the touch but I shivered like I needed a jacket. My hands were clammy. I felt dizzy like I wanted to collapse. It's like just before the moment you plumet down a steep roller coaster and it doesn't last long.

Love is All Around

When that clock hits 12:30 I bolt out of class. I dash through the parking lot and my braid bounces on my shoulder as I walk. When I get home I try to force myself to eat something but end up just pushing my oatmeal and Banana around.When I look at the amount I've eaten I feel like a four year old being forced to try spinach as his mom looks over. My stomach is like a million little tiny jabs. I'm pale and standing up causes me to be light headed.  I force myself to take some Tylenol. I don't really believe in pain killers. I hate taking medicine in general. I just don't like to put things in my body unnecessarily. I want to tough this out, but when my eyes start to water, I cave. Tylenol it is. After losing so much energy I decide to sleep or at least try to. The house is still all I can hear is the sound of the far turning and the clicking on the air conditioner. as my eyelids flutter and I drift off to sleep. I am granted an hour of serene sleep. No fading in out no restless turns. Just utter stillness.

 I wake up to a few new text messages. I realize I had plans with Tyler. It's unlike me to forget plans and it wasn't just oh let's chill at hookah with some friends or let's got out and drink. We're going on a date. The real kind. The kind where I wear a floral dress from Forever 21 that took me an hour to pick up out as I struggled with fifteen different choices in my hand. I wish I had gotten my period on a day that was destined to be lame like a day I had to stay at school till four. Today has so much fun pontential, not just in the way of what comes after dessert. Why go out to dinner if I have such bad cramps, I'll push around the salad leaves and nimble on a cruton? I will never be able to enjoy tonight. My laugh won't be as light. My smile won't be as wide. My eyes won't shine with gratitude for being alive another day and living this moment.  I feel kind of dumb. There's probably a ton of girls wait their entire live to get to put on a dress and wear wedges. To walk effortless, and naturally and like I don't have a care in the world. The way you walk when the boy who has your heart takes you for dinner.

I scroll through the messages and after about three hours of going MIa of course the "are we still on for tonight" text is there. I desperately want to respond "What's tonight?" but I am not ten years old anymore and have awareness of other peoples feelings. When someone goes out of their way to do something nice for you you don't shit on them. Do I tell him I am on my period? Is that to much info for a guy? What if he tries to do something? Then I'd have to tell him.I've been single my entire life until now. I decide that even though that it isn't something super high on his list to have to hear about he'd probably want to know. And even though periods aren't a huge deal it is an intimate thing for me to discuss with a guy.

I call him.

The sound of his voice on the phone still makes my heart pick up in beats

"Hey"

"Hey girl, whats up"

"I've been feeling pretty sick all day and I've been lying in bed since I got home from school. Let's go on our date next week when, Ill be able to enjoy and we'll have more fun"

He doesn't say anything right away. So I keep talking.  "I haven't been able to eat anything all day. I want to be able to enjoy the date.

I can tell he believes me when he says, "Want to just have a chill movie night instead."

I fight back the urge to tell him it's Thursday night go out with the guys. Then he'll think I am just trying to get out of the date.

Come on, I can come over and we can chill.

I say sure. Even thought I still hesitate about him seeing me like this.

"Okay I'll get a movie from redbox before I head over there, do you want me to grab you anything while I am at the store"

I am dying for some cookie dough ice cream but I really feel like ice cream is a dead give away that I am on my period. Doesn't matter I want my ice cream.

"Hmm what about some ice cream, ice cream goes good with movies right?"

He pauses and chuckles, I think he is deliberating about calling me out.

"Ice cream sounds good. What flavor do you want?"

"Chocolate, no cookie dough, no cake batter. I laugh with a hint of nervousness. You just pick"

I see his smiling face at my front door. I kiss him a slight peck at the front door.  I step back and to take a look at him in the a flirtatiously say "Hi boyfriend" He taps me on the butt. I squeal a little. I grab his hand and pull him through my door.

We climb into my bed and nestle amongst the blankets. He wraps his arm around me and kisses me on the head. Our simple day of cuddling turns into a make out session fast and before I know it he hands grace the tops of my pants.  I swat his hand away and oh and say with slight sass that heightens the tension "no, none of that for you buddy"

"You seem like you've made a remarkable recovery"

"I giggle, something like that, "

His hand's now make there way into the bottom of my shorts and I snap, "What are you doing?"

I can tell he's taken a back and he flatly says, trying to get into your pants

Fully charged with a intense rush of PMS, I quickly retort. "Oh, cool now I see why you came over. If thats why you came over then you should just leave" I scoot far way from him and turn to face the wall to add emphasis to my fit.

I think he knows what's up because he doesn't get mad. He just shakes his head and smirks and runs his finger along my arm. "You know that's not why I came over" His tone is sincerce but I can feel him slowly loosing patience. Like the same way he'd say "Yes mom, I will stop at the stop sign for the 50 millionth time.

"Whatever" I half mumbled half groan.

He runs his hands through my hair and says with more patience than I deserve. "Babe"

"Fine you can't have your hand there because I am on my period. Free blow jobs for everyone" and I trace my finger along the wall. I can't look at him. My eyes are watering. I feel so dumb.

"I knew it"

"How?"

"You tried to run a grandma off the road who was driving too slow last week, you had ice cream for two nights ago nd you called your boss a fugly womanizer. I could smell the Bengay from the doorway. It's not hard to tell when my mary sunshine turns into a hormonal princess"

I roll over from pouting and look him in the eye with the sad remorseful eyes of a four year old who was just put in time out. "I'm sorry" I pull him into a hug and kisses me on the top of my head.

"You must think I am weird"

He laughs "Not even close to crazy but you don't have to wait until I am about to put my hand in your pants you to for you to tell me you are on your period"

"I didn't want to freak you out"

"Freak me out? Sure it's not like I want to sit here and debate with you the pros and cons of tampon brand but if it's happening to my girl friend and she's all huddled in her bed I want to know whats up"

I lean my head into his shoulder.

"I have really bad cramps"

Come here, let me rub your back.

I snuggle up against him and he slowly gently running his hands down my back.

My eyes start to close again and I bury my head against his chest.  I feel him every breath on the back of my neck.  His warmth covers me like a blanket. My hands interlock with his, and they slowly relax. I feel his legs right up against mine. I smell him. His entire body engulfs me.Our bodies intertwine our legs meshing into one. Time slows. Sleepy, blissful, silence. Right before I drift back to sleep I catch him smiling at me. Maybe I was dreaming or maybe he was laughing at the TV. Or maybe just maybe my life had surpassed my dreams. This is what it's like to be somebodies number one.

Lace

We dated for a month and half and then he asked me to be his girlfriend. I wanted to do it with him the week after that but I felt it was too obvious. Putting out as soon as I was in a committed relationship was so expected. I decided not to plan out lfie and just let life happen. It ended up being two months to have sex with him. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I guess good things really do come to those who wait because by the end of my wait I wanted to fuck the shit out him everywhere. At the movies seemed like a perfectly reasonable. In the laundry room. On the quiet floor of the library. The urge was so bad I think I would have done it front of a classroom of kindergardeners. But it didn't happen in any of those places. Once I felt in my heart I was ready my gaurd was down and I would let it happen. I didn't plan out in my head the night we would do it. I determined that just because I was ready didn't mean I could snap my fingers and instantly get it. Love didn't work like that. I would no longer avoid situations that would tempt me to have sex with him because I was ready to have sex with him. But it could be a few days before the opportunity arose. But I hope it wasn't that many days because I wanted the dee.

The Wednesday before we had sex for the very first time I thought would be the night. We went to the movies and I thought we were going to go back to his house, but we ended up going with friends and by the time the movie was over we were both exhausted and both had school the next day. As I kissed him good night I ran my hand down his shirt in a more flirtatious way. I wad trying to tell him, you better pick an earlier movie next time so we can get this show on the road. I curled my hair like i had on our first date, my bangs fell in front of my face, I wore my Micheal Kors pave chunky bracelet. My lace thong was spritzed with Daisy.

That Friday night we decided not to go out. We rented Pitch Perfect from Redbox. I don't like watching romantic movies with him, I'd rather watch funny movies we both enoy. I know guys hate them so I'd rather watch them with my girlfriends or save them for myself to watch.  We'd gotten panda express to go and it was all sprawled out all over the place. He ate mine and his. I tried to eat unhelthy foods as I treat but I couldn't do it. I'd only had the rice and an Icee I had to have from the gas station. It turn my lips slightly red. My hair was in natural lose waves. I only had a little bit on concealer, burts bee chapstick on a little bit of mascara. My face was starting to get a little color in it, my summer glow was slowly surfacing. I had a neon green we neck on that fit loosly and emphasized my tiny waist. I was wearing a lacy bralette and black leggings. In the middle of the movie the mess started to get to me and I slid towards the edge of the movie and started stacking the paper plates napkins and soy sauce packets still remaining focused on the movie. He came up behind me and wrapped his arm round me. He slowly kissed my neck and then rubbed his hands down my leg. I turned towards him and he kissed me. I kissed him back slowly and softly. I wanted to drag this out. I pushed my chest against him and he backed me into the couch. I played with his hair and began to kiss harder and with more energy. We kissed for what seems for hours but I know it could have been more than ten minutes. The kissed were wild and playful and raw and deeper than a pure animal instinct. He pulled my shirt over my head and I my body hardened a little and I shurgged nervously, he could sense it. I had to say something. I was able to moan stop, he's body bristled, he thought he was getting some and I stopped the train.

He ran his hands through his hair with a hint of exasperation as if to say you did not just dry hump me on the couch for fifteen minutes to tell me you are not ready. There was a part of me that want to laugh. These kinds of moments seemed to be ever present in my life. The times when I had to call my mom and ask her how to use a blender. Or being pulled over for not having my lights on. Somehow I always managed to get myself into these situations.

I locked eyes with him hoping to convey a sense of innocence and realness  and said quickly because I knew he needed to know and I knew I could lose my nerve "I've only had sex two times. Ever and both times I've bled. I get really tight really quickly to the point where I notice it when I put in a tampon  and it's been a long time since I've had sex. I don't want this to turn into a mess but we're gonna have to go slow."

He instantly relaxed. He thought I was trying to take reins or slam on the breaks. I really just need him to ease my fears.  He grabbed my hand and squeezed it a little and brushed the part of my bands that had fallen into my face back and said aww babe of course I am not going to hurt you. We'll go slow. He got off went to his bathroom and came back with a small bottle, "for when we're ready" and we started kissing again.

He slid my legging off and as I lie in my black lace thong my heart beat in anticipation. Wait I said. And here's the other delimna. Because I am practically virginal I bleed a lot. It's going to be messy.
He shook his head, your crazy. No amount of tightness or blood is going to scare me off from fucking my girlfriend. I looked up at him. When I looked at him I still felt all giddy in side like those first few times we met and his eyes would sparkle and he'd raise his eyebrows at me. My legs we're quivering and I still had my bra and panties on. My hair slid down over the couch. I brushed my hand along those few hairs he missed when he shaved. My toes curled in. I felt like the last twenty years I'd been dead. I hadn't been alive until this moment in time.

Wouldn't it be nice

So it's February now. Which is kind of hard to believe, but I am glad that it is here. But I will get back to that in a second or never; I am not really sure.

One thing that you'll notice about these entries is that they are written for me. I know no one reads my blog or really gives a damn about what I have to say. All my money goes to shoes, clothes and hair. Writing what I feel is cheaper than therapy and I just really need to get it out. They say painter paint either for the pleasure or others because they fell something inside of them they need to express. The canvas in my MAC, the paint in the keyboards. So if in the event someone out there is reading this and it skip around a lot and it's not written like a lot of other blogs just know that I am writing this for the whole in my heart.

That said, I am a hot mess right now. Tyler was interested in me but not anymore. Last summer I slept with Sam. I told him I had a freaky side. I told him I liked to have sex in crazy places. I told him I had slept with like 12 people. I was really a virgin. I had three glasses of wine we tried to have sex and it started bleeding. I gave him head and we never really talked after that. I really liked him for a couple of months. Not in a boyfriend way. More of a lusty I want to have sex again. I want to redeem myself way.

Fast forward six months later. I met Tyler. He REALLY liked me. He was interested in me and pursued me in a way that just fit me right. The way he invited me to hang out the first time we met. Or When I'd walk past him quickly in the kitchen and he'd say flirty things like don't come up behind me like that. It wasn't like the way I felt with other guys. It was that sweet kind flirtation you do when your attracted to someone. It wasn't witty smart ass comments. It was softer. It was like we both put out in the open our level of attractiveness towards each other so there was no need to be smart about it. The way he'd ask if I needed help when I had to come back for more high chairs. The way he'd always walk by where I was when he left. How he'd come play in the revolving door when I was trying to clean it. When I tried not to look at him he'd look back at me and catch me in the act of finally letting myself smile. When I would talk to my friend about school and he'd be listening and start asking me question. How when I didn't say high to him he'd run his hand along my back. How he'd call my girl like a bff calls you girl. How he'd make fun of me in the back the way I said "oh yeah." When I told him he wasn't getting anymore tables he'd call me the fair maiden of good news. How he would try impress me by telling me how athletic he was.  But I'll never forget the way he'd smile at me with his eyes and his eyebrows. It said more than words ever could. My hear would feel like I had just run up ten flights of stairs. My stomach would drop like I just slipped or got bad news. Time would stand still for a second and then pick up again. And then I'd keep doing what I was going with more cheer and this bubbly positive energy.

Tyler doesn't want anything to do with me anymore because he thinks I'm a slut.

He's never going to raise his eyebrows and look at me like that ever again.

Tyler was the first guy I have liked in a very long time. And I didn't just like him because he paid for my dinner or I wanted to sleep with. I wanted to fall in love with him. There's no telling what we could have been. I could have dated him for a month a half, then become his girlfriend, had sex with him, gone on road trips with him, met his parents. I'll never get to see what those flirtatious glances that made my heart race turn into. It took a long time to meet a guy like Tyler and I don't know where I'll find another one. If I had not said all those things or tried to sleep with Sam, Sam wouldn't be able to say a word to Tyler about me. My past ruined my chances with the cutest guy who has ever liked me. My mistakes ended the beginning. I have no one to blame but myself.

The longest brown hair, the greenest eyes, and the brightest smile is nothing compared to a good heart and good reputation.

I will try my hardest to stop daydreaming about him or wanting him to ask me to hang out.

I'm going to turn 21 one day. It's there. And I'll be single. And my friends will get new relationships and continue the old ones and I'll be still sitting there in the movies with no one to rest my hand on. I'll get a flat tire and call my brother. When someone does me wrong like last night when someone kicked and peed on Hannah's car, I'll have to call a friend or even my parents.

I'm going to try not wallow in this but I will not have sex again until I am in a committed relationship. When 2014 starts I'll revaluate. I missed out not because I wasn't smart enough or pretty enough but because what I have done. Dear God, Please grant me the strength not to care that he doesn't like me, and to help me continue to belief that someone is out there for me.

Dreamland

I've been thinking about football a lot lately. Maybe it's because the Super Bowl is in 72 hours.There's a lot of different things to say about football. In Texas it's religion.



I wonder what it would be like to meet someones parents. I'd imagine it go a little something like this:

I'm lying in bed with the dog. I'm watching Seventh Heaven. I hear my mom talking in the kitchen and roll over and grab my phone. The last person I texted was Tyler. Our last texts were finalizing plans for tonight and instead of responding "Ok" I saved my response for later for the "What Should I Wear" and the "Leaving Now" text. One of which I am sure I will send and even though we've been together for three months, I still don't believe in the religion of double texting. The ever dominant numbers on my phone ready 5:35. I mumble Efff, under my breath. I quickly throw back the cover and hug my mom and run upstairs. I have to be at his house by seven. I have a 20 minute drive and I still have to get ready. My makeup from today has faded and what's left has set into to my face where it clings to the pimples and dry patches I so desperately tried to conceal earlier in the morning. My eye make up has formed little rings around the creases of my eyes and what was once a precise line is now blurred and smuged. I quickly wash my face and perform my make up routine. I reach for my primer underneath the sink, the foundation in the drawer. I test my eyeshadows along my hand. Straightner. Mascara. Blush. A sprinkle of bronzer. Toothpaste a sprintz a perfume. I dance the same dance I have done a million times over. In a mere 45 minutes I manage to make myself presentable.

Now comes the hard part what to wear. I enlist the help of my mother. She has a son. She know's what she'd want to see the girl he is dating in. It's one of those rare May nights in Texas, you can almost taste summer, I can wear shorts if I want to, but I don't have to. My mom sits on my bed and even though I am twenty there's something comforting about having her basically pick out my clothes. A lot of people would suffocated or infringed upon, but I don't. I'm an individualist, a bird who can't be caged, but I also know that the days of being able to ask my mom on what to wear are numbered so I should treasure them. And so the wardrobe delimna ensues. I want to wear J Crew 3" shorts but is that too casual? But we're not going to restaurant only to their house to eat. But no, shorts are still deemed far too casual. Jeans would be okay but slipping into jeans from my yoga pants seems stiffling. I decide to take the ultimate all or nothing gamble for wardrobe when meeting the parents. I choose a dress one of those floral Anthropologie dresses that have a wispy springy sense to them and make you want to take black and white pictures and listen to Mumford and Sons. The dress shows that I lost 40 pounds. I look in the mirror and my critical mind races.

I hope I don't look too skinny. My collar bones look good. If his parents hate me and least at least Tyler will get to see him in a dress. And I know he enjoys that.

I know I'm slightly overdressing but what this outfit is trying to say is "Yes I know, my green eyes and long brown hair are good enough for your son but you aren't so sure about me, I am scared and I really want you to like me and I am just quiet because I am nervous and I've never met any guys parents before and this is a really big deal to me too." I slip on my Miller 2 thongs and take a second to admire the perfect color selection of my toe nails. I hope his parents don't know what Tory Burch is. Nothing says responsible like blowing 220 plus tax on a pair of sandals.

I get into my car turn on music to Eli Young Band and roll down the windows. As I merge down the highway headed for the country and the soft scents of summer linger, I feel overwhelming sense of greatfulness to be experiencing this. Meeting his parents will surely be scary but I am thrilled to be able to do it.

I pull along the curb the best that I can it's not perfect but there is a visible effort to park like a normal person would and that's good enough for me. I shoot him "I'm here text" and I deeply resist the urge to call him. I want him to guide me through this, it would be so much easier if he did. But cowering behind my boyfriend isn't going to make the best impression so before I can get the "come inside" text i ring the door bell and hope for the best. My head races please by him. please be him, please be him. When the door opens him his mom stands there. "Emily I am so glad to finally, get to have you for dinner" and pulls me into a hug. She has short hair in a face framed bob. She's skinny too. She has wrinkles around the corners of her eyes that are noticable when she laughs. She has a pair of small dangly earrings on and red ankle pants on and a simple silver charm bracelet. The kind of lady who always goes to church on sunday, when she ran into someone she knew from a long time ago at a restaurant her boys would be behaving well and she'd be looking flawless. She hardly ever raised her voice even when her boys were younger, needier and more prone to chaos.  When Tyler was fived and intentionally squeezed an entire Go Gurt on the mini van seat she didn't lose it and scream and yell and pull over and then give a threat  "Just wait until your dad hears about this." She didn't cry raise her hands to the heavens and mutter under her breath that she should have. She slowed down a little, and in calm, rational voice said "Tyler I know your tired I know your hungry and I know you don't want to be dragged a long on anymore errands but we do not behave like that in this family and you know what you did was wrong and disrespectful to Mommy so when we get home you are going to time out." And Tyler looked up into his review mirror at his Mom and she gave him that look. That I am sassy and I am not going to lose my cool that mothers have. Tyler muttered I'm sorry Mommy. She put her hair behind her ears, smiled to herself and reached for the Burts bee lip balm from her purse and they went on with their day. She had a light hearted sense about her. The way she moved about life in a gracefully, loving way. I felt guilty for wanting to be more like her than my emotional, explosive mother who was always complaining about or mocking something. But I realized I was already for like her, that's why he asked me to be his girlfriend. He walked down the steps and his face lit up like those first few times we met each other. Maybe it's because he'd thought I'd run late. Or maybe he just liked the way my dress hugged my hips. But I think he was proud to see me standing in his kitchen. Not huddled in my car waiting for a text to tell me it was okay to come inside.

Ordinary Day

Tuesdays are way more doable than Mondays. But nothing is as sweet as getting out of class at 11 on Wednesdays. Nothing.

Well Today was pretty normal. Tutoring. Studying. Homework. Lecture. In class movie. Calling my mom. Going to the library. My phone freezing up. People giving me the stink eye because I quit my sorority. Whatever.

I've been day dreaming about him a lot lately. I want to see him. I am dying to see him and to think I have to go weeks without seeing him. It could turn into months. I can't even imagine that. I just want to hang out with him. I wonder if he ever thinks about me. I really doubt it. But I think about him so much. I get in class and get bored and day dream about him. Idk why him. Why I am so attracted to him. I never felt this way about anyone before. I've met a lot of cute guys before but I have never been hung up on one guy for so long. I have never felt such intense attraction to a guy. Maybe it's timing too. Not only did I come across a guy I really found attractive I also found someone at a time where I really wanted somebody.

This will all make sense someday. Not because I am trying to make myself feel better because that's the way things work in life. I know Cam was a shitty friend to me so I could find easy, carefree friendships where we include everyone and it's not a big deal who we invite. I know Sam happened so I could learn to close my legs. I know Courtney came in my life to teach me how not to center your life on a relationship and to run- like hell away from unhealthy relationships. And Tyler showed me that you should crush on someone day by day and not all in one day.

So tomorrow I go to school, come home, study, walk 5 miles, watch 7th Heaven, study, and then sleep. It's not an exciting life but I am so very thankful for everything I have.

 I wish someone wanted me.

Listening:Wanted- Hunter Hayes

Featuring: Long hair, simple diamond necklace, long hair she don't care, cute cheek bones, pale skin, white teeth, ralph lauren v neck, pottery barn bed circa 2009

Mundane Monday

Mondays are by definition terrible. But this one sucked. I left for school late. Only gave myself 20 mins to get there. Sped the entire way there and almost crashed like ten different times but thank god I didn't.
I found out even though I requested to quit my sorority over a week ago they are still fining me for the stuff I am not attending. I have already been fined over a hundred dollars and I am getting fined for all of this weeks events. They can continue to fine me because I am still considered a member and they will not sign the paperwork to end my membership. So it's a complete mess. I didn't fail my physics quiz which is good and I got out of physics lab early which is also very good. I got into Nursing school friday which is also good. I feel pretty numbed out from today. Not sad or upset, more just like mellowed out and I hate feeling like that. Like a sad watered down version of myself.

Well it's obvious now that I have crushed hard. And it's weird because I've truly never been the type of girl who day dreams about a guy or thinks about what her name would sound like with his. Probably the worst is sometimes I even look at the wedding section of pintrest. Falling is hard and not everyone we fall for materializes. I hate that I still day dream about going on a date with him. HATE IT. I wish I didn't have a crush on him. I guess I just need to meet someone new. I can't crush on him forever. I know this is really sad but I honestly have crushed on him harder than any guy on my entire life. I know this is just a one moment in time. One slice of my life pie but god I want to have his babies. I want him with his arm around me and Henry and Frances on the Christmas card. I want to move to Colorado with him and climb mountains with him for three years. It's so so dumb. I have officially become a sap. Valentine's brain has made me a cheese ball. We would have been great together but since we is never going to happen I should probably chase some other far fetched dream. But no other dream has quite the same allure as having someone to cuddle next to. If you fall asleep tonight in his tee shirt and lace boyshorts with his arm around you, you are one lucky bitch. And even if you have to wake up at seven tomorrow you need to wake up with a smile on your face and thank god that you could be so lucky.

What I Want

There are plenty girls out there, but I’m not like any of them. I’m the type of girl likes to drive with the windows down for no reason. I speed. I live on kale and bananas. I know what kind of Chanel purse I am going to buy when I start making big girl money yet I also know who the 49ers quarterback is.  I love art and I the outfits I wear are my personal artistic statement. I drink coffee almost everyday. I love my golden retriever more than anything in this world and in my eyes she will always be a puppy. I want a guy who will take me hiking on our first date. I sing in the car but not in the shower. I like to watch documentaries on Netflix. I smile cheesy.  I love to laugh so hard I can feel it in my stomach. I can never really be mean to anyone. But I do have one thing in common with all the other girls: what I want.  I want to what it feels likes to cuddle with a guy in my bed or go to brunch just because or to meet his parents or to apologize to him because I am on my period and being extra cranky and I know it’s not right to take it out on him or laugh in the car on the way back from the river as I drive and he makes fun of my driving or take a bath with someone to be romantic or how to fight and make up and how good the make up hug feels or how scary it would be to initiate that hug or how hard it would be to say goodnight or how nervous I would be to go the doctor to get birth control but I could close my eyes and picture him and know it was worth it or what it be like to kiss mid conversation or to go to a really fancy place and he'd wear the kind of shirt that buttons down and I'd wear or dress or for someone to notice I shaved my legs and how soft they were or for someone to run their hands through my hair or to playfully kiss and giggle a little like were 13 and we don't know what were doing or to get lost on a country road and make love under the stars or to wake up early and watch the sunset together or to be sad when he changes plans to hang out with guys but glad he has guy friends to hang out with or to go with me to my brother's soccer game or to go to his high school and fuck under the bleachers of the football field like we’re 16 and it’s our first time or to kiss my forehead and tell me he loves me or to rub my back when I have cramps or to hold my hands and smile with his eyes and eyebrows or to go with me to painting with a twist or to have a glass a wine with on a Friday night with or to watch movies with instead of going out or to go shopping with a pick out outfits for me or to dance in my kitchen to micheal buble or to attempt to cook for and laugh when it turns out to be a huge mess or call him and not my dad when I get a flat tire or to throw a ton of clothes into a suitcase and go to the airport and look at the outgoing flights and pick one to go to dinner with me and my mom or to visit him at work or to climb mountains with or to wake up to good morning texts or to meet his friends or to go to hookah with my friends and they have to awkwardly look away because we're kissing or to buy him a football cupcake on valentines or to have someone you can't wait to wear your new bra for or for my dresses to fall to the floor and not because they are dirty or have reason to push to arm rest up for at the movies or to go on spontaneous mini road trips with or to spend the night at a hotel on our anniversary and have champagne or for someone to win me stuffed animals or what it's like to miss someone so bad an hour feels likes weeks or to day dream in class about the plans for our weekends or the random sweet texts that make my heart skip beats or the smell of his shirts or the type of boxers he likes or how soft his shirts are and how he thinks I'm sexy in his old tee shirt and lacy underware or to dream of a future together or to make jokes about kids or  years later I still get butterflies or never having to ask if he loves me because I feel it in my heart. 

I don’t know what love is.

I don’t know what love feels like.

I just want to love someone with my entire heart.

And be loved back.

He doesn’t need to be perfect or drive the fanciest car or be super smart and majoring the hardest science ever. His joke’s doesn’t always have to be funny. He’ll miss a few hairs when he shaves. He’ll get cocky when he’s drunk and we’ll fight.  It won’t be “I miss you. I love you texts” everyday all day. Sometimes he’ll want to hangout with his friends and I’ll want to hang out with him. He’ll forget where he parked the car. He’ll get us lost when I told him to figure out where we are going. He’ll have annoying habits. He will get irritated when I have to have one cigarette when I’m drunk. He'll have the one tee shirt he always wears. Sometimes I’ll think he’s a huge dork.

He will wonder why I still keep stuffed animals in my room. I won't always say the right things.My curled hair will look straight by the end of the date. I will get drunk after having two glasses of wine and be that drunk girl at the party. I won't like all of his friends. I'll lock my keys in the car.He'll tell me to be ready by ten and I'll be fourty- five mins late.I'll have annoying habits. I'll question why he thinks it's fun to get stoned.  I'll start a fight over nothing. He'll think I spend to much money on clothes.

Because at the end of the day all that stuff doesn't really matter. It matters what kind of guy he is and I want a someone who is a good person. Who has patience with me when I am being stupid and stubborn. Who doesn’t mind my tendency to organize. Who loves me for who I am and would never want to change me. Who like me loves to laugh and has enthusiasm to try new things. Who makes a good impression on my parents. Who will sit next to me in church. Who values education and is a hard worker but whose life is not consumed by work. Who doesn’t expect every free moment of time to be his or expect me to text him every second. Who understand how important school is to me. Who makes jokes. Who holds the door. Who says 'excuse me' and 'thank you.' Who likes sports. Who loves his life and has a positive view of the world.

But even with all my flaws and all his flaws. And even though we won’t always agree and there will be fights and tears and at one time I will even ask myself whether or not I want to keep this up.  I will find love where there will be more kisses than angry words. More happy moments than bad ones. Where we don’t have to see each other every and if we don't we miss each other. Where we are both two genuinely content people who add to happiness in their lives by having relationship. The relationship is not the only good thing about our lives. 

I want all these things but I might not get all these things. 

I pray for patience until I meet the love of my life.

I am just one girl in a huge world. When the time is right it will happen.

I will hold out for the real thing.

Because I know, unequivocally, he is out there. 

Baby Steps

I used to not buy this whole exercised releases endorphines thing but I do now. I walked about five miles today and I feel genuinely happy. More happy than I've felt all week. And while I have been PMSing a lot this week the positive energy I am radiating could be from my moods becoming stable, I really do believe it's the hike.

So of course I have talk about how I want a boyfriend. yes I do admit I thought that one guy at work was cute but he's clearly not interested so I am moving on, whatever. I have always been perfectly happy without a boyfriend there's no need to go get one now. he's not interested so i am going to be confident enough not to waste my time.

I love the Mountains

I do my best driving in the car. It takes me about half an hour to get home from school and some of my best ideas and most important descsions have come out of that drive. Today while breezing down the freeway I thought about the fact that one of the reasons that I didn't go to medical school was because I wanted to climb mountains and learn to surf. How could I ever do all the things the world had to offer if I spent the next eight plus years of my either slaving to my career or my job? But today while driving I asked myself, when am I going to climb those mountains. I am twenty. I am fit, why wait? When we went to Colorado this winter we saw pikes peak and this summer when we go back I want to climb it. I am starting to train now. I am going to work up to walking 28 miles a week. I need to work towards a goal. I need something outside of my classes to commit myself to.

I have really pretty green eyes. 

I have really white teeth and a nice smile.

My cheek bones are decently high.

I laugh a lot.

I have long brown hair.

After years of practice, more like fucks ups, I know how to apply makeup without looking like I am wearing any.

I dress pretty good.

I appreciate sports.

I love being outside.

I am not pudgy or anything like that

I have a pretty good personality

I am smart

I don't have any deformities

My eyebrows have good structure
I don't have cystic acne
I even have decent collar bones
I don't understand why anyone wouldn't want to date me.
Yet I have been single my entire life.

I want someone to cuddle in bed with when I am on my period.. To go to painting with a twist with. To go to football games with. To go to the river with in summer. To go hiking with. To dance with. To have a glass a wine and watch a movie with. To bake fore. To just lie with. To go to the movies with a cuddle with.

I don't need a guy to shop with, or go with me to get my eyebrows waxed or to drag to victoria secret.  A boyfriend isn't a counselor to solve all my problems or make me feel good about myself. I don't need to drag him to all my girly things - I don't need someone to listen to my emotional problems. I just want someones company. I want us to be BFFs with who kiss. The affection, The time and the memories. To make jokes with. I am looking for someone who wants to have fun and enjoy and explore life with. A partner in crime. I know he's out there and I can't wait to meet him.

Something's missing from my life. I am ready to have a real relationship.

Maybe i won't meet him until i'm 30 but it's hard not to want it now.

New Day

Well today is a new day for me.

I have 100% given hope on Tyler.

I'll still be his friend but it's not going anywhere.

My last shift with hope of him materalizing went like this. me ignoring him - him touching my back and saying hey girl to make sure I knew he was working that shift. Him walking by me as I cleaned the windows.

Yesterday he didn't even make the effort to walk past me when he left. And he always had. Typing this all out makes me sound a little nuts. He took another door when he left, he doesn't like me. It sounds juvenile but as my heart pounded as he waved at me through an outside window. he looked at me and then continued to his car. His eyes said it was nice flirting with you while it lasted but the attractions just not there. I'm okay with that. I really have to be. I don't have any choice in the matter. Not being okay with it will only make me unhappy and I want to be happy.

I have been single for twenty years. And 2013 though short has brought me more joy than I could have ever asked for.

I am single and happy but I can't help but wonder what it would feel like to have a boyfriend. To not be able to make it to your movie seats without sharing a kiss. To have someone rub my back and lie in my bed and cuddle when I was on my period. To go on a date on valentines and wear a dress. To agonize over what to get him for his birthday. To have a picnic in the park. To fight with. To laugh with. To forgive. To get nervous about meeting his parents. To call him when I got a flat tire. To get flowers just because he wanted to. To dance with. To go hiking with. To go on random adventures with. To go out with friends who are coupled up and not be the single on. To go on birth control because I am in love and not because I have crazy acne. To marry my best friend.

I am not sure what the future holds. No one really does. I do know I don't want to be single forever. I am going to keep smiling, try my best to stay positive and trust that everything will work out in the end.
Staying positive and being happy is not going to be easy, but it's what I need for my life.

Of all the people I've met he's given me the worst case of butterflies. The intensity of butterflies, I want to have for the rest of my life when the time comes.

I think my key to happiness is saying this is enough thank you so much for all that I have now how do I make the most of it.

Life or Something like that

It was just a regular day at work. It had to be a little after four because some stragglers were left on from the morning. I walked up the steps toward the host stand, locked eyes with Him and said "Hey." And that was the first time I saw him. It was just a day like any other day. But one day can change everything.

I asked my friend who he was. A lot of cute guys had worked there and come and gone. A lot of cute guys still work there but to me, he was the cutest. For the purposes of this story his name is Tyler.

I though about him every now and then. He was really cute. I added him on facebook and determined from pictures he was even cuter than I had originally determined. And when I saw that he liked Colorado and hiked in Colorado the wheels in my head started turning.  With my parents currently in the process of buying property in Colorado My heart is set on raising my kids in Colorado bike riding and going to art muesumes and climbing mountains. So once I saw his Colorado albums on facebook I had dreamy eyes.

I confessed my from a far crush to my friend Kaylee. She's been in a slightly stable slightly unstable relationship for almost a year and I trust her judgement. She has big brown eyes and even bigger heart and doesn't keep her opinions to herself. When something is fucked up, she tells people it's fucked up. She doesn't sit at home and ask herself why does bad stuff always happens to me? If someone screws her over or is acting out of line she calls them out and puts them in a place. In a world where things are increasing sugar coated and people put up with way to much I am glad I have a friend who has a zero bullshit tolerance. Some would call her a bitch. I call her my best friend.

 I admit when it comes to guys I have a blind spot. I really think all girls do, few will own up to it. I admit I have been with four losers (four losers too many.)  I overlook the bad sometimes, and Kaylele is not afraid to get in my face and set me straight so I knew if this was going to work, if I just wanted a prayer of this happening, I needer her blessing. So I pumped her for information about him and asked for her opinion. And of course she told me what she thought.

She told me a story Tyler had told. He had a band aid on his hand and she asked him how he got it. He told her he had chased after a shopping cart to save a little girl it was aiming at and in the process got hit by a car. This was of course a tall tail, me with dreamy eyes for looks and love for  Colorado, couldn't even recognize that this was something he made up. She told me she'd help push things along when the time came but I had to get something started with me and him on my own. She also said he was a really nice guy. A good guy. The kind of guy any girl would be lucky to date. He didn't have a girlfriend either.

I worked my first shift ever with him the first Saturday of 2013. He came up to the host stand and I pretended like I thought his name was Sunny. Sunny was this 55 year old server. She wore pink lipstick and glasses and took twenty mins to get drinks on a table. She always had her nails painted and talked softly like she was reading a bed time story. She moved slowly and jerkly. The resturant was a ballet and she was never doing the correct step. She always had panty lines. She had to hike her pants up high because she was a little chunky in the middle.  She looked as though she'd work at Denny's or a dinner. Whenever I saw her I thought about waffles and apple pie. So needless to say when I asked him if he was Sunny he chuckled and mumbled no "I'm not Sunny."I informed that someone was sick his section was changing. I sent someone to ask if he could handle a ten top. Run of the mill server host talk.

Meanwhile during the shift Chris texted me to ask if I could I take her hosting shift that night because she wanted to take Tyler's food running shift. When he came by the host stand I asked him about. He said he really didn't mind working he got paid $40 dollars to pick up. The shift went on and he stopped by my host stand as he was leaving.

He asked me about that host shift. He'd had  a change of heart, his high school friends whom he referred to as alcoholics were at a bar by work and after a few drinks he wasn't going to want to come back. I wavered I said I didn't know I wanted to go out that night. He said well if you want to go out you should come to a party with me. I asked him how was I going to know about it since one of us wasn't coming back to work. He asked for my phone and put his number in it. I made sure to ask him "It's tyler right" and he shook my hand and I said have fun and he laughed and asked my name. I said it's Emily.

My manager begged me to work that night. I obliged. I held off texting him. He was brining food to a table I turned around and his face lit up. He asked me what I was doing there. I told him they made me work. His face lit up, his eyebrows jumped up and his eyes glistend. I smiled my cheesy smile and my stomach was full of butterflies. We made the occasional eye contact the rest of the night and he always smiled back. When in the kitchen he made flirty comments about me sneaking up on him. Before I left he made a point to come up to me and talk to me about the party and he locked eyes with me and said Text Me.

I texted him when I got home. We ended up not going to the party he got of work really late but at least
he texted me telling me he wasn't going and he used an unsure smiley face about not going so I know he wasn't blowing me off.

I worked again him the following Saturday. 4 days ago. I couldn't help but look at with him dreamy eyes. One time he was walking by the host stand and I told myself don't look at him, don't look at him and when I was positive he was out of sight I tore myself away from the riviting menu I had seen a million times and looked up and a smile broke across my face. He looked back caught me mid smile and smiled. His whole face changed and he couldn't hold back his smile either. It was a reverse sucker punch, I was so excited my heart was racing like I was running for my life, my stomach was swimming with butterflies and the joy radiated from the smile to my eyes to the color in my skin. I was more emotionally vulnerable than a stripper on a pole or a girl who goes home with a guy from a bar to sleep him. The attraction I felt for him was alll over my face and I could never get, what I feel is pure and could never explain as throughly in words as I did in that glance.

He came up to me when I was waiting for my food. He asked me if I had to work tonight and I told him yes. We talked for a few seconds and then he said see you later and walked out the door.

He might feel the same way, he did look back at me. I do know this: No guy has ever looked at me with quite the same eagerness or anticipation. And whoever I marry I want them to look at me like that for the rest of my life. Like he can't wait to talk to me, be near me, just be with me. I could brighten up his day by just being me and just standing there.


I don't know where this will lead. I do think there is a chance something might happen. I work with him tomorrow. He has control of the football, will he run a trick play or simply run the ball? I will try not to look at him all the time and be such a dead giveaway.

Whatever I am instore for tomorrow will happen and one day I'll look back and it will all make sense. Until then, I will relish in the butterflies, enjoy the heart pounding, and not be afraid to hope.