New Day

Well today is a new day for me.

I have 100% given hope on Tyler.

I'll still be his friend but it's not going anywhere.

My last shift with hope of him materalizing went like this. me ignoring him - him touching my back and saying hey girl to make sure I knew he was working that shift. Him walking by me as I cleaned the windows.

Yesterday he didn't even make the effort to walk past me when he left. And he always had. Typing this all out makes me sound a little nuts. He took another door when he left, he doesn't like me. It sounds juvenile but as my heart pounded as he waved at me through an outside window. he looked at me and then continued to his car. His eyes said it was nice flirting with you while it lasted but the attractions just not there. I'm okay with that. I really have to be. I don't have any choice in the matter. Not being okay with it will only make me unhappy and I want to be happy.

I have been single for twenty years. And 2013 though short has brought me more joy than I could have ever asked for.

I am single and happy but I can't help but wonder what it would feel like to have a boyfriend. To not be able to make it to your movie seats without sharing a kiss. To have someone rub my back and lie in my bed and cuddle when I was on my period. To go on a date on valentines and wear a dress. To agonize over what to get him for his birthday. To have a picnic in the park. To fight with. To laugh with. To forgive. To get nervous about meeting his parents. To call him when I got a flat tire. To get flowers just because he wanted to. To dance with. To go hiking with. To go on random adventures with. To go out with friends who are coupled up and not be the single on. To go on birth control because I am in love and not because I have crazy acne. To marry my best friend.

I am not sure what the future holds. No one really does. I do know I don't want to be single forever. I am going to keep smiling, try my best to stay positive and trust that everything will work out in the end.
Staying positive and being happy is not going to be easy, but it's what I need for my life.

Of all the people I've met he's given me the worst case of butterflies. The intensity of butterflies, I want to have for the rest of my life when the time comes.

I think my key to happiness is saying this is enough thank you so much for all that I have now how do I make the most of it.