My arms tingled. My chest tightened and I could barely breath. I was overwhelmed by the painful fluttering of my queasy stomach that was up in my throat in one moment and down to my knees the next. It was like an ocean swirled inside of me. Shanking, tingling, jittering, and doing kart wheels. My skin was warm to the touch but I shivered like I needed a jacket. My hands were clammy. I felt dizzy like I wanted to collapse. It's like just before the moment you plumet down a steep roller coaster and it doesn't last long.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Love is All Around
When that clock hits 12:30 I bolt out of class. I dash through the parking lot and my braid bounces on my shoulder as I walk. When I get home I try to force myself to eat something but end up just pushing my oatmeal and Banana around.When I look at the amount I've eaten I feel like a four year old being forced to try spinach as his mom looks over. My stomach is like a million little tiny jabs. I'm pale and standing up causes me to be light headed. I force myself to take some Tylenol. I don't really believe in pain killers. I hate taking medicine in general. I just don't like to put things in my body unnecessarily. I want to tough this out, but when my eyes start to water, I cave. Tylenol it is. After losing so much energy I decide to sleep or at least try to. The house is still all I can hear is the sound of the far turning and the clicking on the air conditioner. as my eyelids flutter and I drift off to sleep. I am granted an hour of serene sleep. No fading in out no restless turns. Just utter stillness.
I wake up to a few new text messages. I realize I had plans with Tyler. It's unlike me to forget plans and it wasn't just oh let's chill at hookah with some friends or let's got out and drink. We're going on a date. The real kind. The kind where I wear a floral dress from Forever 21 that took me an hour to pick up out as I struggled with fifteen different choices in my hand. I wish I had gotten my period on a day that was destined to be lame like a day I had to stay at school till four. Today has so much fun pontential, not just in the way of what comes after dessert. Why go out to dinner if I have such bad cramps, I'll push around the salad leaves and nimble on a cruton? I will never be able to enjoy tonight. My laugh won't be as light. My smile won't be as wide. My eyes won't shine with gratitude for being alive another day and living this moment. I feel kind of dumb. There's probably a ton of girls wait their entire live to get to put on a dress and wear wedges. To walk effortless, and naturally and like I don't have a care in the world. The way you walk when the boy who has your heart takes you for dinner.
I scroll through the messages and after about three hours of going MIa of course the "are we still on for tonight" text is there. I desperately want to respond "What's tonight?" but I am not ten years old anymore and have awareness of other peoples feelings. When someone goes out of their way to do something nice for you you don't shit on them. Do I tell him I am on my period? Is that to much info for a guy? What if he tries to do something? Then I'd have to tell him.I've been single my entire life until now. I decide that even though that it isn't something super high on his list to have to hear about he'd probably want to know. And even though periods aren't a huge deal it is an intimate thing for me to discuss with a guy.
I call him.
The sound of his voice on the phone still makes my heart pick up in beats
"Hey"
"Hey girl, whats up"
"I've been feeling pretty sick all day and I've been lying in bed since I got home from school. Let's go on our date next week when, Ill be able to enjoy and we'll have more fun"
He doesn't say anything right away. So I keep talking. "I haven't been able to eat anything all day. I want to be able to enjoy the date.
I can tell he believes me when he says, "Want to just have a chill movie night instead."
I fight back the urge to tell him it's Thursday night go out with the guys. Then he'll think I am just trying to get out of the date.
Come on, I can come over and we can chill.
I say sure. Even thought I still hesitate about him seeing me like this.
"Okay I'll get a movie from redbox before I head over there, do you want me to grab you anything while I am at the store"
I am dying for some cookie dough ice cream but I really feel like ice cream is a dead give away that I am on my period. Doesn't matter I want my ice cream.
"Hmm what about some ice cream, ice cream goes good with movies right?"
He pauses and chuckles, I think he is deliberating about calling me out.
"Ice cream sounds good. What flavor do you want?"
"Chocolate, no cookie dough, no cake batter. I laugh with a hint of nervousness. You just pick"
I see his smiling face at my front door. I kiss him a slight peck at the front door. I step back and to take a look at him in the a flirtatiously say "Hi boyfriend" He taps me on the butt. I squeal a little. I grab his hand and pull him through my door.
We climb into my bed and nestle amongst the blankets. He wraps his arm around me and kisses me on the head. Our simple day of cuddling turns into a make out session fast and before I know it he hands grace the tops of my pants. I swat his hand away and oh and say with slight sass that heightens the tension "no, none of that for you buddy"
"You seem like you've made a remarkable recovery"
"I giggle, something like that, "
His hand's now make there way into the bottom of my shorts and I snap, "What are you doing?"
I can tell he's taken a back and he flatly says, trying to get into your pants
Fully charged with a intense rush of PMS, I quickly retort. "Oh, cool now I see why you came over. If thats why you came over then you should just leave" I scoot far way from him and turn to face the wall to add emphasis to my fit.
I think he knows what's up because he doesn't get mad. He just shakes his head and smirks and runs his finger along my arm. "You know that's not why I came over" His tone is sincerce but I can feel him slowly loosing patience. Like the same way he'd say "Yes mom, I will stop at the stop sign for the 50 millionth time.
"Whatever" I half mumbled half groan.
He runs his hands through my hair and says with more patience than I deserve. "Babe"
"Fine you can't have your hand there because I am on my period. Free blow jobs for everyone" and I trace my finger along the wall. I can't look at him. My eyes are watering. I feel so dumb.
"I knew it"
"How?"
"You tried to run a grandma off the road who was driving too slow last week, you had ice cream for two nights ago nd you called your boss a fugly womanizer. I could smell the Bengay from the doorway. It's not hard to tell when my mary sunshine turns into a hormonal princess"
I roll over from pouting and look him in the eye with the sad remorseful eyes of a four year old who was just put in time out. "I'm sorry" I pull him into a hug and kisses me on the top of my head.
"You must think I am weird"
He laughs "Not even close to crazy but you don't have to wait until I am about to put my hand in your pants you to for you to tell me you are on your period"
"I didn't want to freak you out"
"Freak me out? Sure it's not like I want to sit here and debate with you the pros and cons of tampon brand but if it's happening to my girl friend and she's all huddled in her bed I want to know whats up"
I lean my head into his shoulder.
"I have really bad cramps"
Come here, let me rub your back.
I snuggle up against him and he slowly gently running his hands down my back.
My eyes start to close again and I bury my head against his chest. I feel him every breath on the back of my neck. His warmth covers me like a blanket. My hands interlock with his, and they slowly relax. I feel his legs right up against mine. I smell him. His entire body engulfs me.Our bodies intertwine our legs meshing into one. Time slows. Sleepy, blissful, silence. Right before I drift back to sleep I catch him smiling at me. Maybe I was dreaming or maybe he was laughing at the TV. Or maybe just maybe my life had surpassed my dreams. This is what it's like to be somebodies number one.
I wake up to a few new text messages. I realize I had plans with Tyler. It's unlike me to forget plans and it wasn't just oh let's chill at hookah with some friends or let's got out and drink. We're going on a date. The real kind. The kind where I wear a floral dress from Forever 21 that took me an hour to pick up out as I struggled with fifteen different choices in my hand. I wish I had gotten my period on a day that was destined to be lame like a day I had to stay at school till four. Today has so much fun pontential, not just in the way of what comes after dessert. Why go out to dinner if I have such bad cramps, I'll push around the salad leaves and nimble on a cruton? I will never be able to enjoy tonight. My laugh won't be as light. My smile won't be as wide. My eyes won't shine with gratitude for being alive another day and living this moment. I feel kind of dumb. There's probably a ton of girls wait their entire live to get to put on a dress and wear wedges. To walk effortless, and naturally and like I don't have a care in the world. The way you walk when the boy who has your heart takes you for dinner.
I scroll through the messages and after about three hours of going MIa of course the "are we still on for tonight" text is there. I desperately want to respond "What's tonight?" but I am not ten years old anymore and have awareness of other peoples feelings. When someone goes out of their way to do something nice for you you don't shit on them. Do I tell him I am on my period? Is that to much info for a guy? What if he tries to do something? Then I'd have to tell him.I've been single my entire life until now. I decide that even though that it isn't something super high on his list to have to hear about he'd probably want to know. And even though periods aren't a huge deal it is an intimate thing for me to discuss with a guy.
I call him.
The sound of his voice on the phone still makes my heart pick up in beats
"Hey"
"Hey girl, whats up"
"I've been feeling pretty sick all day and I've been lying in bed since I got home from school. Let's go on our date next week when, Ill be able to enjoy and we'll have more fun"
I can tell he believes me when he says, "Want to just have a chill movie night instead."
I fight back the urge to tell him it's Thursday night go out with the guys. Then he'll think I am just trying to get out of the date.
Come on, I can come over and we can chill.
I say sure. Even thought I still hesitate about him seeing me like this.
"Okay I'll get a movie from redbox before I head over there, do you want me to grab you anything while I am at the store"
I am dying for some cookie dough ice cream but I really feel like ice cream is a dead give away that I am on my period. Doesn't matter I want my ice cream.
"Hmm what about some ice cream, ice cream goes good with movies right?"
He pauses and chuckles, I think he is deliberating about calling me out.
"Ice cream sounds good. What flavor do you want?"
"Chocolate, no cookie dough, no cake batter. I laugh with a hint of nervousness. You just pick"
I see his smiling face at my front door. I kiss him a slight peck at the front door. I step back and to take a look at him in the a flirtatiously say "Hi boyfriend" He taps me on the butt. I squeal a little. I grab his hand and pull him through my door.
We climb into my bed and nestle amongst the blankets. He wraps his arm around me and kisses me on the head. Our simple day of cuddling turns into a make out session fast and before I know it he hands grace the tops of my pants. I swat his hand away and oh and say with slight sass that heightens the tension "no, none of that for you buddy"
"You seem like you've made a remarkable recovery"
"I giggle, something like that, "
His hand's now make there way into the bottom of my shorts and I snap, "What are you doing?"
I can tell he's taken a back and he flatly says, trying to get into your pants
Fully charged with a intense rush of PMS, I quickly retort. "Oh, cool now I see why you came over. If thats why you came over then you should just leave" I scoot far way from him and turn to face the wall to add emphasis to my fit.
I think he knows what's up because he doesn't get mad. He just shakes his head and smirks and runs his finger along my arm. "You know that's not why I came over" His tone is sincerce but I can feel him slowly loosing patience. Like the same way he'd say "Yes mom, I will stop at the stop sign for the 50 millionth time.
"Whatever" I half mumbled half groan.
He runs his hands through my hair and says with more patience than I deserve. "Babe"
"Fine you can't have your hand there because I am on my period. Free blow jobs for everyone" and I trace my finger along the wall. I can't look at him. My eyes are watering. I feel so dumb.
"I knew it"
"How?"
"You tried to run a grandma off the road who was driving too slow last week, you had ice cream for two nights ago nd you called your boss a fugly womanizer. I could smell the Bengay from the doorway. It's not hard to tell when my mary sunshine turns into a hormonal princess"
I roll over from pouting and look him in the eye with the sad remorseful eyes of a four year old who was just put in time out. "I'm sorry" I pull him into a hug and kisses me on the top of my head.
"You must think I am weird"
He laughs "Not even close to crazy but you don't have to wait until I am about to put my hand in your pants you to for you to tell me you are on your period"
"I didn't want to freak you out"
"Freak me out? Sure it's not like I want to sit here and debate with you the pros and cons of tampon brand but if it's happening to my girl friend and she's all huddled in her bed I want to know whats up"
I lean my head into his shoulder.
"I have really bad cramps"
Come here, let me rub your back.
I snuggle up against him and he slowly gently running his hands down my back.
My eyes start to close again and I bury my head against his chest. I feel him every breath on the back of my neck. His warmth covers me like a blanket. My hands interlock with his, and they slowly relax. I feel his legs right up against mine. I smell him. His entire body engulfs me.Our bodies intertwine our legs meshing into one. Time slows. Sleepy, blissful, silence. Right before I drift back to sleep I catch him smiling at me. Maybe I was dreaming or maybe he was laughing at the TV. Or maybe just maybe my life had surpassed my dreams. This is what it's like to be somebodies number one.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Lace
We dated for a month and half and then he asked me to be his girlfriend. I wanted to do it with him the week after that but I felt it was too obvious. Putting out as soon as I was in a committed relationship was so expected. I decided not to plan out lfie and just let life happen. It ended up being two months to have sex with him. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I guess good things really do come to those who wait because by the end of my wait I wanted to fuck the shit out him everywhere. At the movies seemed like a perfectly reasonable. In the laundry room. On the quiet floor of the library. The urge was so bad I think I would have done it front of a classroom of kindergardeners. But it didn't happen in any of those places. Once I felt in my heart I was ready my gaurd was down and I would let it happen. I didn't plan out in my head the night we would do it. I determined that just because I was ready didn't mean I could snap my fingers and instantly get it. Love didn't work like that. I would no longer avoid situations that would tempt me to have sex with him because I was ready to have sex with him. But it could be a few days before the opportunity arose. But I hope it wasn't that many days because I wanted the dee.
The Wednesday before we had sex for the very first time I thought would be the night. We went to the movies and I thought we were going to go back to his house, but we ended up going with friends and by the time the movie was over we were both exhausted and both had school the next day. As I kissed him good night I ran my hand down his shirt in a more flirtatious way. I wad trying to tell him, you better pick an earlier movie next time so we can get this show on the road. I curled my hair like i had on our first date, my bangs fell in front of my face, I wore my Micheal Kors pave chunky bracelet. My lace thong was spritzed with Daisy.
That Friday night we decided not to go out. We rented Pitch Perfect from Redbox. I don't like watching romantic movies with him, I'd rather watch funny movies we both enoy. I know guys hate them so I'd rather watch them with my girlfriends or save them for myself to watch. We'd gotten panda express to go and it was all sprawled out all over the place. He ate mine and his. I tried to eat unhelthy foods as I treat but I couldn't do it. I'd only had the rice and an Icee I had to have from the gas station. It turn my lips slightly red. My hair was in natural lose waves. I only had a little bit on concealer, burts bee chapstick on a little bit of mascara. My face was starting to get a little color in it, my summer glow was slowly surfacing. I had a neon green we neck on that fit loosly and emphasized my tiny waist. I was wearing a lacy bralette and black leggings. In the middle of the movie the mess started to get to me and I slid towards the edge of the movie and started stacking the paper plates napkins and soy sauce packets still remaining focused on the movie. He came up behind me and wrapped his arm round me. He slowly kissed my neck and then rubbed his hands down my leg. I turned towards him and he kissed me. I kissed him back slowly and softly. I wanted to drag this out. I pushed my chest against him and he backed me into the couch. I played with his hair and began to kiss harder and with more energy. We kissed for what seems for hours but I know it could have been more than ten minutes. The kissed were wild and playful and raw and deeper than a pure animal instinct. He pulled my shirt over my head and I my body hardened a little and I shurgged nervously, he could sense it. I had to say something. I was able to moan stop, he's body bristled, he thought he was getting some and I stopped the train.
He ran his hands through his hair with a hint of exasperation as if to say you did not just dry hump me on the couch for fifteen minutes to tell me you are not ready. There was a part of me that want to laugh. These kinds of moments seemed to be ever present in my life. The times when I had to call my mom and ask her how to use a blender. Or being pulled over for not having my lights on. Somehow I always managed to get myself into these situations.
I locked eyes with him hoping to convey a sense of innocence and realness and said quickly because I knew he needed to know and I knew I could lose my nerve "I've only had sex two times. Ever and both times I've bled. I get really tight really quickly to the point where I notice it when I put in a tampon and it's been a long time since I've had sex. I don't want this to turn into a mess but we're gonna have to go slow."
He instantly relaxed. He thought I was trying to take reins or slam on the breaks. I really just need him to ease my fears. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it a little and brushed the part of my bands that had fallen into my face back and said aww babe of course I am not going to hurt you. We'll go slow. He got off went to his bathroom and came back with a small bottle, "for when we're ready" and we started kissing again.
He slid my legging off and as I lie in my black lace thong my heart beat in anticipation. Wait I said. And here's the other delimna. Because I am practically virginal I bleed a lot. It's going to be messy.
He shook his head, your crazy. No amount of tightness or blood is going to scare me off from fucking my girlfriend. I looked up at him. When I looked at him I still felt all giddy in side like those first few times we met and his eyes would sparkle and he'd raise his eyebrows at me. My legs we're quivering and I still had my bra and panties on. My hair slid down over the couch. I brushed my hand along those few hairs he missed when he shaved. My toes curled in. I felt like the last twenty years I'd been dead. I hadn't been alive until this moment in time.
The Wednesday before we had sex for the very first time I thought would be the night. We went to the movies and I thought we were going to go back to his house, but we ended up going with friends and by the time the movie was over we were both exhausted and both had school the next day. As I kissed him good night I ran my hand down his shirt in a more flirtatious way. I wad trying to tell him, you better pick an earlier movie next time so we can get this show on the road. I curled my hair like i had on our first date, my bangs fell in front of my face, I wore my Micheal Kors pave chunky bracelet. My lace thong was spritzed with Daisy.
That Friday night we decided not to go out. We rented Pitch Perfect from Redbox. I don't like watching romantic movies with him, I'd rather watch funny movies we both enoy. I know guys hate them so I'd rather watch them with my girlfriends or save them for myself to watch. We'd gotten panda express to go and it was all sprawled out all over the place. He ate mine and his. I tried to eat unhelthy foods as I treat but I couldn't do it. I'd only had the rice and an Icee I had to have from the gas station. It turn my lips slightly red. My hair was in natural lose waves. I only had a little bit on concealer, burts bee chapstick on a little bit of mascara. My face was starting to get a little color in it, my summer glow was slowly surfacing. I had a neon green we neck on that fit loosly and emphasized my tiny waist. I was wearing a lacy bralette and black leggings. In the middle of the movie the mess started to get to me and I slid towards the edge of the movie and started stacking the paper plates napkins and soy sauce packets still remaining focused on the movie. He came up behind me and wrapped his arm round me. He slowly kissed my neck and then rubbed his hands down my leg. I turned towards him and he kissed me. I kissed him back slowly and softly. I wanted to drag this out. I pushed my chest against him and he backed me into the couch. I played with his hair and began to kiss harder and with more energy. We kissed for what seems for hours but I know it could have been more than ten minutes. The kissed were wild and playful and raw and deeper than a pure animal instinct. He pulled my shirt over my head and I my body hardened a little and I shurgged nervously, he could sense it. I had to say something. I was able to moan stop, he's body bristled, he thought he was getting some and I stopped the train.
He ran his hands through his hair with a hint of exasperation as if to say you did not just dry hump me on the couch for fifteen minutes to tell me you are not ready. There was a part of me that want to laugh. These kinds of moments seemed to be ever present in my life. The times when I had to call my mom and ask her how to use a blender. Or being pulled over for not having my lights on. Somehow I always managed to get myself into these situations.
I locked eyes with him hoping to convey a sense of innocence and realness and said quickly because I knew he needed to know and I knew I could lose my nerve "I've only had sex two times. Ever and both times I've bled. I get really tight really quickly to the point where I notice it when I put in a tampon and it's been a long time since I've had sex. I don't want this to turn into a mess but we're gonna have to go slow."
He instantly relaxed. He thought I was trying to take reins or slam on the breaks. I really just need him to ease my fears. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it a little and brushed the part of my bands that had fallen into my face back and said aww babe of course I am not going to hurt you. We'll go slow. He got off went to his bathroom and came back with a small bottle, "for when we're ready" and we started kissing again.
He slid my legging off and as I lie in my black lace thong my heart beat in anticipation. Wait I said. And here's the other delimna. Because I am practically virginal I bleed a lot. It's going to be messy.
He shook his head, your crazy. No amount of tightness or blood is going to scare me off from fucking my girlfriend. I looked up at him. When I looked at him I still felt all giddy in side like those first few times we met and his eyes would sparkle and he'd raise his eyebrows at me. My legs we're quivering and I still had my bra and panties on. My hair slid down over the couch. I brushed my hand along those few hairs he missed when he shaved. My toes curled in. I felt like the last twenty years I'd been dead. I hadn't been alive until this moment in time.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Wouldn't it be nice
So it's February now. Which is kind of hard to believe, but I am glad that it is here. But I will get back to that in a second or never; I am not really sure.
One thing that you'll notice about these entries is that they are written for me. I know no one reads my blog or really gives a damn about what I have to say. All my money goes to shoes, clothes and hair. Writing what I feel is cheaper than therapy and I just really need to get it out. They say painter paint either for the pleasure or others because they fell something inside of them they need to express. The canvas in my MAC, the paint in the keyboards. So if in the event someone out there is reading this and it skip around a lot and it's not written like a lot of other blogs just know that I am writing this for the whole in my heart.
That said, I am a hot mess right now. Tyler was interested in me but not anymore. Last summer I slept with Sam. I told him I had a freaky side. I told him I liked to have sex in crazy places. I told him I had slept with like 12 people. I was really a virgin. I had three glasses of wine we tried to have sex and it started bleeding. I gave him head and we never really talked after that. I really liked him for a couple of months. Not in a boyfriend way. More of a lusty I want to have sex again. I want to redeem myself way.
Fast forward six months later. I met Tyler. He REALLY liked me. He was interested in me and pursued me in a way that just fit me right. The way he invited me to hang out the first time we met. Or When I'd walk past him quickly in the kitchen and he'd say flirty things like don't come up behind me like that. It wasn't like the way I felt with other guys. It was that sweet kind flirtation you do when your attracted to someone. It wasn't witty smart ass comments. It was softer. It was like we both put out in the open our level of attractiveness towards each other so there was no need to be smart about it. The way he'd ask if I needed help when I had to come back for more high chairs. The way he'd always walk by where I was when he left. How he'd come play in the revolving door when I was trying to clean it. When I tried not to look at him he'd look back at me and catch me in the act of finally letting myself smile. When I would talk to my friend about school and he'd be listening and start asking me question. How when I didn't say high to him he'd run his hand along my back. How he'd call my girl like a bff calls you girl. How he'd make fun of me in the back the way I said "oh yeah." When I told him he wasn't getting anymore tables he'd call me the fair maiden of good news. How he would try impress me by telling me how athletic he was. But I'll never forget the way he'd smile at me with his eyes and his eyebrows. It said more than words ever could. My hear would feel like I had just run up ten flights of stairs. My stomach would drop like I just slipped or got bad news. Time would stand still for a second and then pick up again. And then I'd keep doing what I was going with more cheer and this bubbly positive energy.
Tyler doesn't want anything to do with me anymore because he thinks I'm a slut.
He's never going to raise his eyebrows and look at me like that ever again.
Tyler was the first guy I have liked in a very long time. And I didn't just like him because he paid for my dinner or I wanted to sleep with. I wanted to fall in love with him. There's no telling what we could have been. I could have dated him for a month a half, then become his girlfriend, had sex with him, gone on road trips with him, met his parents. I'll never get to see what those flirtatious glances that made my heart race turn into. It took a long time to meet a guy like Tyler and I don't know where I'll find another one. If I had not said all those things or tried to sleep with Sam, Sam wouldn't be able to say a word to Tyler about me. My past ruined my chances with the cutest guy who has ever liked me. My mistakes ended the beginning. I have no one to blame but myself.
The longest brown hair, the greenest eyes, and the brightest smile is nothing compared to a good heart and good reputation.
I will try my hardest to stop daydreaming about him or wanting him to ask me to hang out.
I'm going to turn 21 one day. It's there. And I'll be single. And my friends will get new relationships and continue the old ones and I'll be still sitting there in the movies with no one to rest my hand on. I'll get a flat tire and call my brother. When someone does me wrong like last night when someone kicked and peed on Hannah's car, I'll have to call a friend or even my parents.
I'm going to try not wallow in this but I will not have sex again until I am in a committed relationship. When 2014 starts I'll revaluate. I missed out not because I wasn't smart enough or pretty enough but because what I have done. Dear God, Please grant me the strength not to care that he doesn't like me, and to help me continue to belief that someone is out there for me.
One thing that you'll notice about these entries is that they are written for me. I know no one reads my blog or really gives a damn about what I have to say. All my money goes to shoes, clothes and hair. Writing what I feel is cheaper than therapy and I just really need to get it out. They say painter paint either for the pleasure or others because they fell something inside of them they need to express. The canvas in my MAC, the paint in the keyboards. So if in the event someone out there is reading this and it skip around a lot and it's not written like a lot of other blogs just know that I am writing this for the whole in my heart.
That said, I am a hot mess right now. Tyler was interested in me but not anymore. Last summer I slept with Sam. I told him I had a freaky side. I told him I liked to have sex in crazy places. I told him I had slept with like 12 people. I was really a virgin. I had three glasses of wine we tried to have sex and it started bleeding. I gave him head and we never really talked after that. I really liked him for a couple of months. Not in a boyfriend way. More of a lusty I want to have sex again. I want to redeem myself way.
Fast forward six months later. I met Tyler. He REALLY liked me. He was interested in me and pursued me in a way that just fit me right. The way he invited me to hang out the first time we met. Or When I'd walk past him quickly in the kitchen and he'd say flirty things like don't come up behind me like that. It wasn't like the way I felt with other guys. It was that sweet kind flirtation you do when your attracted to someone. It wasn't witty smart ass comments. It was softer. It was like we both put out in the open our level of attractiveness towards each other so there was no need to be smart about it. The way he'd ask if I needed help when I had to come back for more high chairs. The way he'd always walk by where I was when he left. How he'd come play in the revolving door when I was trying to clean it. When I tried not to look at him he'd look back at me and catch me in the act of finally letting myself smile. When I would talk to my friend about school and he'd be listening and start asking me question. How when I didn't say high to him he'd run his hand along my back. How he'd call my girl like a bff calls you girl. How he'd make fun of me in the back the way I said "oh yeah." When I told him he wasn't getting anymore tables he'd call me the fair maiden of good news. How he would try impress me by telling me how athletic he was. But I'll never forget the way he'd smile at me with his eyes and his eyebrows. It said more than words ever could. My hear would feel like I had just run up ten flights of stairs. My stomach would drop like I just slipped or got bad news. Time would stand still for a second and then pick up again. And then I'd keep doing what I was going with more cheer and this bubbly positive energy.
Tyler doesn't want anything to do with me anymore because he thinks I'm a slut.
He's never going to raise his eyebrows and look at me like that ever again.
Tyler was the first guy I have liked in a very long time. And I didn't just like him because he paid for my dinner or I wanted to sleep with. I wanted to fall in love with him. There's no telling what we could have been. I could have dated him for a month a half, then become his girlfriend, had sex with him, gone on road trips with him, met his parents. I'll never get to see what those flirtatious glances that made my heart race turn into. It took a long time to meet a guy like Tyler and I don't know where I'll find another one. If I had not said all those things or tried to sleep with Sam, Sam wouldn't be able to say a word to Tyler about me. My past ruined my chances with the cutest guy who has ever liked me. My mistakes ended the beginning. I have no one to blame but myself.
The longest brown hair, the greenest eyes, and the brightest smile is nothing compared to a good heart and good reputation.
I will try my hardest to stop daydreaming about him or wanting him to ask me to hang out.
I'm going to turn 21 one day. It's there. And I'll be single. And my friends will get new relationships and continue the old ones and I'll be still sitting there in the movies with no one to rest my hand on. I'll get a flat tire and call my brother. When someone does me wrong like last night when someone kicked and peed on Hannah's car, I'll have to call a friend or even my parents.
I'm going to try not wallow in this but I will not have sex again until I am in a committed relationship. When 2014 starts I'll revaluate. I missed out not because I wasn't smart enough or pretty enough but because what I have done. Dear God, Please grant me the strength not to care that he doesn't like me, and to help me continue to belief that someone is out there for me.
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