Dreamland

I've been thinking about football a lot lately. Maybe it's because the Super Bowl is in 72 hours.There's a lot of different things to say about football. In Texas it's religion.



I wonder what it would be like to meet someones parents. I'd imagine it go a little something like this:

I'm lying in bed with the dog. I'm watching Seventh Heaven. I hear my mom talking in the kitchen and roll over and grab my phone. The last person I texted was Tyler. Our last texts were finalizing plans for tonight and instead of responding "Ok" I saved my response for later for the "What Should I Wear" and the "Leaving Now" text. One of which I am sure I will send and even though we've been together for three months, I still don't believe in the religion of double texting. The ever dominant numbers on my phone ready 5:35. I mumble Efff, under my breath. I quickly throw back the cover and hug my mom and run upstairs. I have to be at his house by seven. I have a 20 minute drive and I still have to get ready. My makeup from today has faded and what's left has set into to my face where it clings to the pimples and dry patches I so desperately tried to conceal earlier in the morning. My eye make up has formed little rings around the creases of my eyes and what was once a precise line is now blurred and smuged. I quickly wash my face and perform my make up routine. I reach for my primer underneath the sink, the foundation in the drawer. I test my eyeshadows along my hand. Straightner. Mascara. Blush. A sprinkle of bronzer. Toothpaste a sprintz a perfume. I dance the same dance I have done a million times over. In a mere 45 minutes I manage to make myself presentable.

Now comes the hard part what to wear. I enlist the help of my mother. She has a son. She know's what she'd want to see the girl he is dating in. It's one of those rare May nights in Texas, you can almost taste summer, I can wear shorts if I want to, but I don't have to. My mom sits on my bed and even though I am twenty there's something comforting about having her basically pick out my clothes. A lot of people would suffocated or infringed upon, but I don't. I'm an individualist, a bird who can't be caged, but I also know that the days of being able to ask my mom on what to wear are numbered so I should treasure them. And so the wardrobe delimna ensues. I want to wear J Crew 3" shorts but is that too casual? But we're not going to restaurant only to their house to eat. But no, shorts are still deemed far too casual. Jeans would be okay but slipping into jeans from my yoga pants seems stiffling. I decide to take the ultimate all or nothing gamble for wardrobe when meeting the parents. I choose a dress one of those floral Anthropologie dresses that have a wispy springy sense to them and make you want to take black and white pictures and listen to Mumford and Sons. The dress shows that I lost 40 pounds. I look in the mirror and my critical mind races.

I hope I don't look too skinny. My collar bones look good. If his parents hate me and least at least Tyler will get to see him in a dress. And I know he enjoys that.

I know I'm slightly overdressing but what this outfit is trying to say is "Yes I know, my green eyes and long brown hair are good enough for your son but you aren't so sure about me, I am scared and I really want you to like me and I am just quiet because I am nervous and I've never met any guys parents before and this is a really big deal to me too." I slip on my Miller 2 thongs and take a second to admire the perfect color selection of my toe nails. I hope his parents don't know what Tory Burch is. Nothing says responsible like blowing 220 plus tax on a pair of sandals.

I get into my car turn on music to Eli Young Band and roll down the windows. As I merge down the highway headed for the country and the soft scents of summer linger, I feel overwhelming sense of greatfulness to be experiencing this. Meeting his parents will surely be scary but I am thrilled to be able to do it.

I pull along the curb the best that I can it's not perfect but there is a visible effort to park like a normal person would and that's good enough for me. I shoot him "I'm here text" and I deeply resist the urge to call him. I want him to guide me through this, it would be so much easier if he did. But cowering behind my boyfriend isn't going to make the best impression so before I can get the "come inside" text i ring the door bell and hope for the best. My head races please by him. please be him, please be him. When the door opens him his mom stands there. "Emily I am so glad to finally, get to have you for dinner" and pulls me into a hug. She has short hair in a face framed bob. She's skinny too. She has wrinkles around the corners of her eyes that are noticable when she laughs. She has a pair of small dangly earrings on and red ankle pants on and a simple silver charm bracelet. The kind of lady who always goes to church on sunday, when she ran into someone she knew from a long time ago at a restaurant her boys would be behaving well and she'd be looking flawless. She hardly ever raised her voice even when her boys were younger, needier and more prone to chaos.  When Tyler was fived and intentionally squeezed an entire Go Gurt on the mini van seat she didn't lose it and scream and yell and pull over and then give a threat  "Just wait until your dad hears about this." She didn't cry raise her hands to the heavens and mutter under her breath that she should have. She slowed down a little, and in calm, rational voice said "Tyler I know your tired I know your hungry and I know you don't want to be dragged a long on anymore errands but we do not behave like that in this family and you know what you did was wrong and disrespectful to Mommy so when we get home you are going to time out." And Tyler looked up into his review mirror at his Mom and she gave him that look. That I am sassy and I am not going to lose my cool that mothers have. Tyler muttered I'm sorry Mommy. She put her hair behind her ears, smiled to herself and reached for the Burts bee lip balm from her purse and they went on with their day. She had a light hearted sense about her. The way she moved about life in a gracefully, loving way. I felt guilty for wanting to be more like her than my emotional, explosive mother who was always complaining about or mocking something. But I realized I was already for like her, that's why he asked me to be his girlfriend. He walked down the steps and his face lit up like those first few times we met each other. Maybe it's because he'd thought I'd run late. Or maybe he just liked the way my dress hugged my hips. But I think he was proud to see me standing in his kitchen. Not huddled in my car waiting for a text to tell me it was okay to come inside.

Ordinary Day

Tuesdays are way more doable than Mondays. But nothing is as sweet as getting out of class at 11 on Wednesdays. Nothing.

Well Today was pretty normal. Tutoring. Studying. Homework. Lecture. In class movie. Calling my mom. Going to the library. My phone freezing up. People giving me the stink eye because I quit my sorority. Whatever.

I've been day dreaming about him a lot lately. I want to see him. I am dying to see him and to think I have to go weeks without seeing him. It could turn into months. I can't even imagine that. I just want to hang out with him. I wonder if he ever thinks about me. I really doubt it. But I think about him so much. I get in class and get bored and day dream about him. Idk why him. Why I am so attracted to him. I never felt this way about anyone before. I've met a lot of cute guys before but I have never been hung up on one guy for so long. I have never felt such intense attraction to a guy. Maybe it's timing too. Not only did I come across a guy I really found attractive I also found someone at a time where I really wanted somebody.

This will all make sense someday. Not because I am trying to make myself feel better because that's the way things work in life. I know Cam was a shitty friend to me so I could find easy, carefree friendships where we include everyone and it's not a big deal who we invite. I know Sam happened so I could learn to close my legs. I know Courtney came in my life to teach me how not to center your life on a relationship and to run- like hell away from unhealthy relationships. And Tyler showed me that you should crush on someone day by day and not all in one day.

So tomorrow I go to school, come home, study, walk 5 miles, watch 7th Heaven, study, and then sleep. It's not an exciting life but I am so very thankful for everything I have.

 I wish someone wanted me.

Listening:Wanted- Hunter Hayes

Featuring: Long hair, simple diamond necklace, long hair she don't care, cute cheek bones, pale skin, white teeth, ralph lauren v neck, pottery barn bed circa 2009

Mundane Monday

Mondays are by definition terrible. But this one sucked. I left for school late. Only gave myself 20 mins to get there. Sped the entire way there and almost crashed like ten different times but thank god I didn't.
I found out even though I requested to quit my sorority over a week ago they are still fining me for the stuff I am not attending. I have already been fined over a hundred dollars and I am getting fined for all of this weeks events. They can continue to fine me because I am still considered a member and they will not sign the paperwork to end my membership. So it's a complete mess. I didn't fail my physics quiz which is good and I got out of physics lab early which is also very good. I got into Nursing school friday which is also good. I feel pretty numbed out from today. Not sad or upset, more just like mellowed out and I hate feeling like that. Like a sad watered down version of myself.

Well it's obvious now that I have crushed hard. And it's weird because I've truly never been the type of girl who day dreams about a guy or thinks about what her name would sound like with his. Probably the worst is sometimes I even look at the wedding section of pintrest. Falling is hard and not everyone we fall for materializes. I hate that I still day dream about going on a date with him. HATE IT. I wish I didn't have a crush on him. I guess I just need to meet someone new. I can't crush on him forever. I know this is really sad but I honestly have crushed on him harder than any guy on my entire life. I know this is just a one moment in time. One slice of my life pie but god I want to have his babies. I want him with his arm around me and Henry and Frances on the Christmas card. I want to move to Colorado with him and climb mountains with him for three years. It's so so dumb. I have officially become a sap. Valentine's brain has made me a cheese ball. We would have been great together but since we is never going to happen I should probably chase some other far fetched dream. But no other dream has quite the same allure as having someone to cuddle next to. If you fall asleep tonight in his tee shirt and lace boyshorts with his arm around you, you are one lucky bitch. And even if you have to wake up at seven tomorrow you need to wake up with a smile on your face and thank god that you could be so lucky.

What I Want

There are plenty girls out there, but I’m not like any of them. I’m the type of girl likes to drive with the windows down for no reason. I speed. I live on kale and bananas. I know what kind of Chanel purse I am going to buy when I start making big girl money yet I also know who the 49ers quarterback is.  I love art and I the outfits I wear are my personal artistic statement. I drink coffee almost everyday. I love my golden retriever more than anything in this world and in my eyes she will always be a puppy. I want a guy who will take me hiking on our first date. I sing in the car but not in the shower. I like to watch documentaries on Netflix. I smile cheesy.  I love to laugh so hard I can feel it in my stomach. I can never really be mean to anyone. But I do have one thing in common with all the other girls: what I want.  I want to what it feels likes to cuddle with a guy in my bed or go to brunch just because or to meet his parents or to apologize to him because I am on my period and being extra cranky and I know it’s not right to take it out on him or laugh in the car on the way back from the river as I drive and he makes fun of my driving or take a bath with someone to be romantic or how to fight and make up and how good the make up hug feels or how scary it would be to initiate that hug or how hard it would be to say goodnight or how nervous I would be to go the doctor to get birth control but I could close my eyes and picture him and know it was worth it or what it be like to kiss mid conversation or to go to a really fancy place and he'd wear the kind of shirt that buttons down and I'd wear or dress or for someone to notice I shaved my legs and how soft they were or for someone to run their hands through my hair or to playfully kiss and giggle a little like were 13 and we don't know what were doing or to get lost on a country road and make love under the stars or to wake up early and watch the sunset together or to be sad when he changes plans to hang out with guys but glad he has guy friends to hang out with or to go with me to my brother's soccer game or to go to his high school and fuck under the bleachers of the football field like we’re 16 and it’s our first time or to kiss my forehead and tell me he loves me or to rub my back when I have cramps or to hold my hands and smile with his eyes and eyebrows or to go with me to painting with a twist or to have a glass a wine with on a Friday night with or to watch movies with instead of going out or to go shopping with a pick out outfits for me or to dance in my kitchen to micheal buble or to attempt to cook for and laugh when it turns out to be a huge mess or call him and not my dad when I get a flat tire or to throw a ton of clothes into a suitcase and go to the airport and look at the outgoing flights and pick one to go to dinner with me and my mom or to visit him at work or to climb mountains with or to wake up to good morning texts or to meet his friends or to go to hookah with my friends and they have to awkwardly look away because we're kissing or to buy him a football cupcake on valentines or to have someone you can't wait to wear your new bra for or for my dresses to fall to the floor and not because they are dirty or have reason to push to arm rest up for at the movies or to go on spontaneous mini road trips with or to spend the night at a hotel on our anniversary and have champagne or for someone to win me stuffed animals or what it's like to miss someone so bad an hour feels likes weeks or to day dream in class about the plans for our weekends or the random sweet texts that make my heart skip beats or the smell of his shirts or the type of boxers he likes or how soft his shirts are and how he thinks I'm sexy in his old tee shirt and lacy underware or to dream of a future together or to make jokes about kids or  years later I still get butterflies or never having to ask if he loves me because I feel it in my heart. 

I don’t know what love is.

I don’t know what love feels like.

I just want to love someone with my entire heart.

And be loved back.

He doesn’t need to be perfect or drive the fanciest car or be super smart and majoring the hardest science ever. His joke’s doesn’t always have to be funny. He’ll miss a few hairs when he shaves. He’ll get cocky when he’s drunk and we’ll fight.  It won’t be “I miss you. I love you texts” everyday all day. Sometimes he’ll want to hangout with his friends and I’ll want to hang out with him. He’ll forget where he parked the car. He’ll get us lost when I told him to figure out where we are going. He’ll have annoying habits. He will get irritated when I have to have one cigarette when I’m drunk. He'll have the one tee shirt he always wears. Sometimes I’ll think he’s a huge dork.

He will wonder why I still keep stuffed animals in my room. I won't always say the right things.My curled hair will look straight by the end of the date. I will get drunk after having two glasses of wine and be that drunk girl at the party. I won't like all of his friends. I'll lock my keys in the car.He'll tell me to be ready by ten and I'll be fourty- five mins late.I'll have annoying habits. I'll question why he thinks it's fun to get stoned.  I'll start a fight over nothing. He'll think I spend to much money on clothes.

Because at the end of the day all that stuff doesn't really matter. It matters what kind of guy he is and I want a someone who is a good person. Who has patience with me when I am being stupid and stubborn. Who doesn’t mind my tendency to organize. Who loves me for who I am and would never want to change me. Who like me loves to laugh and has enthusiasm to try new things. Who makes a good impression on my parents. Who will sit next to me in church. Who values education and is a hard worker but whose life is not consumed by work. Who doesn’t expect every free moment of time to be his or expect me to text him every second. Who understand how important school is to me. Who makes jokes. Who holds the door. Who says 'excuse me' and 'thank you.' Who likes sports. Who loves his life and has a positive view of the world.

But even with all my flaws and all his flaws. And even though we won’t always agree and there will be fights and tears and at one time I will even ask myself whether or not I want to keep this up.  I will find love where there will be more kisses than angry words. More happy moments than bad ones. Where we don’t have to see each other every and if we don't we miss each other. Where we are both two genuinely content people who add to happiness in their lives by having relationship. The relationship is not the only good thing about our lives. 

I want all these things but I might not get all these things. 

I pray for patience until I meet the love of my life.

I am just one girl in a huge world. When the time is right it will happen.

I will hold out for the real thing.

Because I know, unequivocally, he is out there. 

Baby Steps

I used to not buy this whole exercised releases endorphines thing but I do now. I walked about five miles today and I feel genuinely happy. More happy than I've felt all week. And while I have been PMSing a lot this week the positive energy I am radiating could be from my moods becoming stable, I really do believe it's the hike.

So of course I have talk about how I want a boyfriend. yes I do admit I thought that one guy at work was cute but he's clearly not interested so I am moving on, whatever. I have always been perfectly happy without a boyfriend there's no need to go get one now. he's not interested so i am going to be confident enough not to waste my time.

I love the Mountains

I do my best driving in the car. It takes me about half an hour to get home from school and some of my best ideas and most important descsions have come out of that drive. Today while breezing down the freeway I thought about the fact that one of the reasons that I didn't go to medical school was because I wanted to climb mountains and learn to surf. How could I ever do all the things the world had to offer if I spent the next eight plus years of my either slaving to my career or my job? But today while driving I asked myself, when am I going to climb those mountains. I am twenty. I am fit, why wait? When we went to Colorado this winter we saw pikes peak and this summer when we go back I want to climb it. I am starting to train now. I am going to work up to walking 28 miles a week. I need to work towards a goal. I need something outside of my classes to commit myself to.

I have really pretty green eyes. 

I have really white teeth and a nice smile.

My cheek bones are decently high.

I laugh a lot.

I have long brown hair.

After years of practice, more like fucks ups, I know how to apply makeup without looking like I am wearing any.

I dress pretty good.

I appreciate sports.

I love being outside.

I am not pudgy or anything like that

I have a pretty good personality

I am smart

I don't have any deformities

My eyebrows have good structure
I don't have cystic acne
I even have decent collar bones
I don't understand why anyone wouldn't want to date me.
Yet I have been single my entire life.

I want someone to cuddle in bed with when I am on my period.. To go to painting with a twist with. To go to football games with. To go to the river with in summer. To go hiking with. To dance with. To have a glass a wine and watch a movie with. To bake fore. To just lie with. To go to the movies with a cuddle with.

I don't need a guy to shop with, or go with me to get my eyebrows waxed or to drag to victoria secret.  A boyfriend isn't a counselor to solve all my problems or make me feel good about myself. I don't need to drag him to all my girly things - I don't need someone to listen to my emotional problems. I just want someones company. I want us to be BFFs with who kiss. The affection, The time and the memories. To make jokes with. I am looking for someone who wants to have fun and enjoy and explore life with. A partner in crime. I know he's out there and I can't wait to meet him.

Something's missing from my life. I am ready to have a real relationship.

Maybe i won't meet him until i'm 30 but it's hard not to want it now.

New Day

Well today is a new day for me.

I have 100% given hope on Tyler.

I'll still be his friend but it's not going anywhere.

My last shift with hope of him materalizing went like this. me ignoring him - him touching my back and saying hey girl to make sure I knew he was working that shift. Him walking by me as I cleaned the windows.

Yesterday he didn't even make the effort to walk past me when he left. And he always had. Typing this all out makes me sound a little nuts. He took another door when he left, he doesn't like me. It sounds juvenile but as my heart pounded as he waved at me through an outside window. he looked at me and then continued to his car. His eyes said it was nice flirting with you while it lasted but the attractions just not there. I'm okay with that. I really have to be. I don't have any choice in the matter. Not being okay with it will only make me unhappy and I want to be happy.

I have been single for twenty years. And 2013 though short has brought me more joy than I could have ever asked for.

I am single and happy but I can't help but wonder what it would feel like to have a boyfriend. To not be able to make it to your movie seats without sharing a kiss. To have someone rub my back and lie in my bed and cuddle when I was on my period. To go on a date on valentines and wear a dress. To agonize over what to get him for his birthday. To have a picnic in the park. To fight with. To laugh with. To forgive. To get nervous about meeting his parents. To call him when I got a flat tire. To get flowers just because he wanted to. To dance with. To go hiking with. To go on random adventures with. To go out with friends who are coupled up and not be the single on. To go on birth control because I am in love and not because I have crazy acne. To marry my best friend.

I am not sure what the future holds. No one really does. I do know I don't want to be single forever. I am going to keep smiling, try my best to stay positive and trust that everything will work out in the end.
Staying positive and being happy is not going to be easy, but it's what I need for my life.

Of all the people I've met he's given me the worst case of butterflies. The intensity of butterflies, I want to have for the rest of my life when the time comes.

I think my key to happiness is saying this is enough thank you so much for all that I have now how do I make the most of it.

Life or Something like that

It was just a regular day at work. It had to be a little after four because some stragglers were left on from the morning. I walked up the steps toward the host stand, locked eyes with Him and said "Hey." And that was the first time I saw him. It was just a day like any other day. But one day can change everything.

I asked my friend who he was. A lot of cute guys had worked there and come and gone. A lot of cute guys still work there but to me, he was the cutest. For the purposes of this story his name is Tyler.

I though about him every now and then. He was really cute. I added him on facebook and determined from pictures he was even cuter than I had originally determined. And when I saw that he liked Colorado and hiked in Colorado the wheels in my head started turning.  With my parents currently in the process of buying property in Colorado My heart is set on raising my kids in Colorado bike riding and going to art muesumes and climbing mountains. So once I saw his Colorado albums on facebook I had dreamy eyes.

I confessed my from a far crush to my friend Kaylee. She's been in a slightly stable slightly unstable relationship for almost a year and I trust her judgement. She has big brown eyes and even bigger heart and doesn't keep her opinions to herself. When something is fucked up, she tells people it's fucked up. She doesn't sit at home and ask herself why does bad stuff always happens to me? If someone screws her over or is acting out of line she calls them out and puts them in a place. In a world where things are increasing sugar coated and people put up with way to much I am glad I have a friend who has a zero bullshit tolerance. Some would call her a bitch. I call her my best friend.

 I admit when it comes to guys I have a blind spot. I really think all girls do, few will own up to it. I admit I have been with four losers (four losers too many.)  I overlook the bad sometimes, and Kaylele is not afraid to get in my face and set me straight so I knew if this was going to work, if I just wanted a prayer of this happening, I needer her blessing. So I pumped her for information about him and asked for her opinion. And of course she told me what she thought.

She told me a story Tyler had told. He had a band aid on his hand and she asked him how he got it. He told her he had chased after a shopping cart to save a little girl it was aiming at and in the process got hit by a car. This was of course a tall tail, me with dreamy eyes for looks and love for  Colorado, couldn't even recognize that this was something he made up. She told me she'd help push things along when the time came but I had to get something started with me and him on my own. She also said he was a really nice guy. A good guy. The kind of guy any girl would be lucky to date. He didn't have a girlfriend either.

I worked my first shift ever with him the first Saturday of 2013. He came up to the host stand and I pretended like I thought his name was Sunny. Sunny was this 55 year old server. She wore pink lipstick and glasses and took twenty mins to get drinks on a table. She always had her nails painted and talked softly like she was reading a bed time story. She moved slowly and jerkly. The resturant was a ballet and she was never doing the correct step. She always had panty lines. She had to hike her pants up high because she was a little chunky in the middle.  She looked as though she'd work at Denny's or a dinner. Whenever I saw her I thought about waffles and apple pie. So needless to say when I asked him if he was Sunny he chuckled and mumbled no "I'm not Sunny."I informed that someone was sick his section was changing. I sent someone to ask if he could handle a ten top. Run of the mill server host talk.

Meanwhile during the shift Chris texted me to ask if I could I take her hosting shift that night because she wanted to take Tyler's food running shift. When he came by the host stand I asked him about. He said he really didn't mind working he got paid $40 dollars to pick up. The shift went on and he stopped by my host stand as he was leaving.

He asked me about that host shift. He'd had  a change of heart, his high school friends whom he referred to as alcoholics were at a bar by work and after a few drinks he wasn't going to want to come back. I wavered I said I didn't know I wanted to go out that night. He said well if you want to go out you should come to a party with me. I asked him how was I going to know about it since one of us wasn't coming back to work. He asked for my phone and put his number in it. I made sure to ask him "It's tyler right" and he shook my hand and I said have fun and he laughed and asked my name. I said it's Emily.

My manager begged me to work that night. I obliged. I held off texting him. He was brining food to a table I turned around and his face lit up. He asked me what I was doing there. I told him they made me work. His face lit up, his eyebrows jumped up and his eyes glistend. I smiled my cheesy smile and my stomach was full of butterflies. We made the occasional eye contact the rest of the night and he always smiled back. When in the kitchen he made flirty comments about me sneaking up on him. Before I left he made a point to come up to me and talk to me about the party and he locked eyes with me and said Text Me.

I texted him when I got home. We ended up not going to the party he got of work really late but at least
he texted me telling me he wasn't going and he used an unsure smiley face about not going so I know he wasn't blowing me off.

I worked again him the following Saturday. 4 days ago. I couldn't help but look at with him dreamy eyes. One time he was walking by the host stand and I told myself don't look at him, don't look at him and when I was positive he was out of sight I tore myself away from the riviting menu I had seen a million times and looked up and a smile broke across my face. He looked back caught me mid smile and smiled. His whole face changed and he couldn't hold back his smile either. It was a reverse sucker punch, I was so excited my heart was racing like I was running for my life, my stomach was swimming with butterflies and the joy radiated from the smile to my eyes to the color in my skin. I was more emotionally vulnerable than a stripper on a pole or a girl who goes home with a guy from a bar to sleep him. The attraction I felt for him was alll over my face and I could never get, what I feel is pure and could never explain as throughly in words as I did in that glance.

He came up to me when I was waiting for my food. He asked me if I had to work tonight and I told him yes. We talked for a few seconds and then he said see you later and walked out the door.

He might feel the same way, he did look back at me. I do know this: No guy has ever looked at me with quite the same eagerness or anticipation. And whoever I marry I want them to look at me like that for the rest of my life. Like he can't wait to talk to me, be near me, just be with me. I could brighten up his day by just being me and just standing there.


I don't know where this will lead. I do think there is a chance something might happen. I work with him tomorrow. He has control of the football, will he run a trick play or simply run the ball? I will try not to look at him all the time and be such a dead giveaway.

Whatever I am instore for tomorrow will happen and one day I'll look back and it will all make sense. Until then, I will relish in the butterflies, enjoy the heart pounding, and not be afraid to hope.