So it's February now. Which is kind of hard to believe, but I am glad that it is here. But I will get back to that in a second or never; I am not really sure.
One thing that you'll notice about these entries is that they are written for me. I know no one reads my blog or really gives a damn about what I have to say. All my money goes to shoes, clothes and hair. Writing what I feel is cheaper than therapy and I just really need to get it out. They say painter paint either for the pleasure or others because they fell something inside of them they need to express. The canvas in my MAC, the paint in the keyboards. So if in the event someone out there is reading this and it skip around a lot and it's not written like a lot of other blogs just know that I am writing this for the whole in my heart.
That said, I am a hot mess right now. Tyler was interested in me but not anymore. Last summer I slept with Sam. I told him I had a freaky side. I told him I liked to have sex in crazy places. I told him I had slept with like 12 people. I was really a virgin. I had three glasses of wine we tried to have sex and it started bleeding. I gave him head and we never really talked after that. I really liked him for a couple of months. Not in a boyfriend way. More of a lusty I want to have sex again. I want to redeem myself way.
Fast forward six months later. I met Tyler. He REALLY liked me. He was interested in me and pursued me in a way that just fit me right. The way he invited me to hang out the first time we met. Or When I'd walk past him quickly in the kitchen and he'd say flirty things like don't come up behind me like that. It wasn't like the way I felt with other guys. It was that sweet kind flirtation you do when your attracted to someone. It wasn't witty smart ass comments. It was softer. It was like we both put out in the open our level of attractiveness towards each other so there was no need to be smart about it. The way he'd ask if I needed help when I had to come back for more high chairs. The way he'd always walk by where I was when he left. How he'd come play in the revolving door when I was trying to clean it. When I tried not to look at him he'd look back at me and catch me in the act of finally letting myself smile. When I would talk to my friend about school and he'd be listening and start asking me question. How when I didn't say high to him he'd run his hand along my back. How he'd call my girl like a bff calls you girl. How he'd make fun of me in the back the way I said "oh yeah." When I told him he wasn't getting anymore tables he'd call me the fair maiden of good news. How he would try impress me by telling me how athletic he was. But I'll never forget the way he'd smile at me with his eyes and his eyebrows. It said more than words ever could. My hear would feel like I had just run up ten flights of stairs. My stomach would drop like I just slipped or got bad news. Time would stand still for a second and then pick up again. And then I'd keep doing what I was going with more cheer and this bubbly positive energy.
Tyler doesn't want anything to do with me anymore because he thinks I'm a slut.
He's never going to raise his eyebrows and look at me like that ever again.
Tyler was the first guy I have liked in a very long time. And I didn't just like him because he paid for my dinner or I wanted to sleep with. I wanted to fall in love with him. There's no telling what we could have been. I could have dated him for a month a half, then become his girlfriend, had sex with him, gone on road trips with him, met his parents. I'll never get to see what those flirtatious glances that made my heart race turn into. It took a long time to meet a guy like Tyler and I don't know where I'll find another one. If I had not said all those things or tried to sleep with Sam, Sam wouldn't be able to say a word to Tyler about me. My past ruined my chances with the cutest guy who has ever liked me. My mistakes ended the beginning. I have no one to blame but myself.
The longest brown hair, the greenest eyes, and the brightest smile is nothing compared to a good heart and good reputation.
I will try my hardest to stop daydreaming about him or wanting him to ask me to hang out.
I'm going to turn 21 one day. It's there. And I'll be single. And my friends will get new relationships and continue the old ones and I'll be still sitting there in the movies with no one to rest my hand on. I'll get a flat tire and call my brother. When someone does me wrong like last night when someone kicked and peed on Hannah's car, I'll have to call a friend or even my parents.
I'm going to try not wallow in this but I will not have sex again until I am in a committed relationship. When 2014 starts I'll revaluate. I missed out not because I wasn't smart enough or pretty enough but because what I have done. Dear God, Please grant me the strength not to care that he doesn't like me, and to help me continue to belief that someone is out there for me.
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