We were all drinking in the lobby. People laughing smiling. The overwhelming sound of the same songs we heard a million times but are so much more fun when being played on DJ speakers.
The first jack and coke gave me a slight buzz. The second one made me feel giddy and light.The third made me a little drunk. The glass of champagne the hotel bar gave out for the midnight countdown turned a little drunk into a lot drunk.
He went to the bathroom. After a moment or two, I decided to wait for him by the bathroom. An older guy walked past and for a second we held eye contact. He had to be like 26. He made me laugh as we talked about superficial things. Tyler cam back from the bathroom and just stared blankly at me. When he saw me he looked at me like he didn't even recognize me. Like I was ailen to him. Like I was some sad strange sloppy girl saw from afar. The clock stuck midnight and the room swirled of affectionate exchanges between, friends, lovers and the somewhere inbtweens. Tyler just looked at me. The guy I was talking to went to the bathroom. I tried to say sorry, I reached for his hand, he cut me off said save it, and walked off into the crowded room of people.
I found my friends but I couldn't even finish my champagne. She grabbed my arm, and told me to stay. I had to get out of there. I was overwhelmed by the sound of glasses clinking, light hearted exchanges of old friends, and the piercing buzz of noise makers and balloons popping. I slowly made way my way out the room tripping over my own feet and nudging people out of the way.
I stood upon of endless sea of red stairs that made me feel like child standing next to the ocean for the first time and realizing how small they were. My stomach burned from the alcohol. I could taste the garlic from the pasta I'd had for dinner in my back of my throat. It wasn't until I stood outside the hotel room that I realized I didn't have a key. I slammed down on the door handle and shook it up an down a few times and then completed my temper tantrum with a stomp of my black studded heels. I slid down the wall and sat down on the ground in front of the room. Normally I would have scorned the idea of sitting in a hotel hallway but I was too drunk to care. I curled my legs in my chest and rested my head on my legs tears ran down my face and I didn't even bother to wipe them away. It didn't matter that I was ruining my Chanel mascara cost thirty dollars or that I was probably making a hole in my new opaque purple tights. All I could think about was the night I could have had.
I started being okay with being locked out of the room. When that hotel room door swung open I'd have to face the expectations and the reality. We were supposed to have wild sex on those Egyptian cotton sheets but instead I'll sleep ten feet away from him and we'll exchange two mumbles words. In the morning, I'll forget what a mess I'd made and I'll wake up smiling thinking about my dream and then I'll remember and my heart will fall into my stomach. After about sitting there for ten minutes a terrible thought crossed my mind, what if he never showed up? What if he left the hotel all together and went home?
My mind raced. I could see him walking to the parking lot and then his car pulling onto the high way. Who would i call to get me? I'd already done enough damage to my best friends night. I pictured my mom slipping into her navy gap sweats and pulling her hair into the a pony tail and grabbing the car keys from the shelf.
As I delved into my likely abandonment, I heard the doors of the elevator open. I looked to see him walk out and quickly looked away.
When he got to the room he stood in front of me with his hands in his pockets. His eyes were a mix of disgust and heartache. It pained to see him like this. I wanted to touch hum. But the onset pain of him flinching when I touched him prevented me from doing so.
The silence engulfed me like I was drowning in the ocean and couldn't come up for air.
Unable to bear the tortureous silence I asked him "What are you doing here?"
This might be news to you, but this is my hotel room.
I sucked in my breath as the sting set in. It was his hotel room not our hotel room.
What, Emily you though thirty minutes would go by and it's all okay again? Everything forgotten?
Well we we're obviously going to have to talk about it if we want to get passed it
Talk about what? How I went to the bathroom and you threw yourself at some old guy? This night was supposed to be about us. It was supposed to be special. Now all I want to do is leave
You are to drunk to drive and do you really want to be in a car with me right now?
Who said if I left I'd take you with me?You know if I wanted to spend new year's eve with a easy drunk girl I would have just gone to a bar. There would have been no need to rent a hotel room. Would have been a lot less money too.
I know what I did was fucked up but I didn't even do anything.
Didn't do anything. When someone asks how my new years eve was what am I gonna say? It was really great, my girlfriend got drunk start stumbling around and then I went to the bathroom and I come back to find her locked eyes with some old guy and I couldn't even get her to kiss me at midnight.
He doesn't even try to get another dig in. My face is pale and white.
"I am so sorry Baby I know better than to drink this much I know better than to do this to you. You deserve so much better than a night like this"
It seems to nibble away at some of the ice on his heart but it isn't enough so I keep going. "I am too old to handle my alcohol this poorly. My entire life I've never been a someone to kiss on News Years and when I finally have one and I decide to make eyes at some old guy while my boyfriends in the bathroom. Tonight was supposed to be about us to celebrate how great last year was and to hope that next year is going to be just a good. We made plans, we took off work, we spent money. And I decide to turn into some drunk loser who isn't me.
He stands there and just looks at me. His eyes look sad and worn and I could tell the mad had faded and maybe disapointment had set in. I wondered if he wished he was single or if he'd rather be with his brother or the boys. I wondered if all of my good moments made up for this really horrible one. I wondered if it still hurt him to see me cry.
He didn't say a word. He reached for my hands and pulled me to my feet. I wobbled for a second and then he held me for what seemed like hours. I stopped thinking about all the ways tonight went wrong and all the things I should have done to make it go right. He grabbed my face and kissed me. I could taste the beer he'd had to calm down. He lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around the chest. He fumbled with the key. The only word I had left to say was: Hurry.
He dropped me on the sheets of the hotel bed and began to unbutton his shirt. I closed my eyes and remembered what New Year's eve was all about: how far I have come, taking a honest look at where I am now, and a fresh dedication towards where I am headed.
Stop I say.Before this has a chance to go any farther. As much as I want to kiss and make up I need to know we've put this behind us.
Last night my boyfriend and I were out at a bar for new year's. I got a little drunk (3 drinks), and then the bar gave out free champagne for the midnight countdown. About 5 minutes before midnight my boyfriend decided to go to the bathroom, and he said he'd be quick, so I waited outside the bathroom for him to make sure we'd be together to kiss at midnight. When he came out, we still had a couple minutes left, went and joined back up with the other people we were with, and did the countdown. We all cheersed at midnight and then instead of kissing me, he turned around and started talking to this wrinkly old lady. I looked around and everyone else was kissing, but right in front of me, my boyfriend had his back in my face. So i poked him in the back and he turned around and I was like.. you're supposed to kiss me! So he did, but in a really exaggerated silly way. So I got upset. I don't think I'm a stupid girl, but getting a kiss at midnight on new year's is really important to me for some reason. All he kept saying was "come on, let's not make this a big deal." We left the bar and I told him outside that it was really important to me and it seems he doesn't care, and he was like "I didn't know you were so into appearances, this really changes my opinion of you!" -- as if I only wanted a kiss for the appearance? So I left him on the street and got a ride home with my sister. We were only a few blocks from our house (my boyfriend and I live together), and he walked home. When he got home, I was sitting outside our apartment in the hallway because I was locked out. He kept saying he wouldn't talk to me until I was sober, but I really didn't feel that drunk. We started arguing and I kept saying that I'm allowed to care about something and he should care that it's important to me, and it seems he doesn't care about me. He said "it's true, I don't care about you as much as you want me to" and I completely lost my temper and punched him in the stomach. I guess I punched him in the balls by accident and he kicked me back (he was sitting down), and I started punching him in the face and he pushed me away and ripped my shirt. It got really bad. I don't have any injuries except for the ripped shirt, but he had a scratch on his neck that was bleeding. I have also hit him twice before when I was drunk, but never this bad, and he never really got mad at me for it. I have never hit anyone else before or had so much anger.. why am I becoming like this??
He and I have been under a lot of stress lately, he only had 1 day off of work for the entire month of December through xmas eve, then we spent the holidays with my family who don't really treat him with much respect. We love each other a lot, but are always so stressed out together. You can read my last question from a few months ago if you want some history. I feel that it was mostly my fault that it got so bad, and he has had a bad/stressful holiday due to my family, but also I think he is right that he doesn't care about me as much as I want him to. I try so hard all the time to be reasonable and fair with him, I buy him things all the time (for example, before we went out, I got $80 out of the atm and gave him $40 to have for the night), his life has been a mess and I have dedicated the last 1.5 years of my life trying to help him get on his feet because I love him so much. I let him live in my room without paying rent for 11 months, then I bought us a car (he paid for a little of it, but I paid for over 2/3 of it and all the insurance), and I moved across the country with him so he could get a fresh start. He has been working hard, and I love him, but this is crazy. I am so confused. He is sleeping in the guest room right now and I just want things to be good when he wakes up, but I think he'll be upset with me cuz of the scratch on his neck. It's the first day of a new year. Last year was so hard. What should I do?
As he kicked my neck I closed my eyes and remembered how far I'd have come, an honest view on where I am, and a fresh dedication towards where I am headed.
No comments:
Post a Comment