For The Inexperienced

So I had every intention of going out tonight, but since no one wants to I am forced to stay home.  I have this friend who is a virgin. Didn't know they still exsisted. Seriously. So I have a feeling I am going to get drunk one night and give her some of my not so motherly words of wisdom. I am thinking it's going to look something like this:

1. Boys love teases. Strip teases. Blow him through his underware. Pretend like he's not going to get any.Start real slow then go fast than go slow again. Give small tiny kisses.

2.Put on a show. create anticipation. crawl to him. strip for him.

2. The sloppier the better when it comes to head. Drink some water beforehand actually drink a lot of water. Whatever you do make sure your mouth is nice and fluid.

3. It's not always perfect sex. roll with the punches. And never ever apologize or act embarassed. Sex will not ever be perfect and you need to be able to keep going. Guy get in a mode where they HAVE to have sex once they start going. What may seem like a super fuck up he probably won't even notice. unless theres blood streaming down your thighs.

4. Don't have sex on your period.

5. Know your limits when it comes to alcohol. Don't get so drunk where you can barely stand up if he wants to do it from behind. I am better if i am sober to tipsy. When I am drunk I am no where near as good. There have been times when I would have better sex if I would have been just a tad bit soberer. Don't ruin what could have been amazing sex because you are to drunk to give you a blow job.

6. Don't oversell yourself. There a line between dubbing yourself goddess of sex and being able to comfortably talk about sex with a guy. It's good to talk intimate before the physical stuff but don't make yourself out to be a porn star. Honesty about what your into and what you have done is good as long as you don't make yourself out to be queen of the bedroom. I strive to tell him enough of kinky escpades to get him interested to show confidence, but I am also quiet because it's ALWAYS the quiet ones who are the craziest. My quiet side is a part of me. Talk too much and it will look like you are overcompensating.

7. Use a condom. If you still are in the minor line at a club you have no business having a child. And  theres a 93% chance the sex isn't as good when kids are in the picture.

8.Mix it up a little bit. Try music. Try handcuffs. Use bubble gum to blow him. Use ice. Do it blind folded. Mix up the locations. Try out on of these: in a car, football field, golf course, library, public bathroom, roof, pool, hot tub, park, bathroom floor, AGAINST A WALL, shower, kitchen floor,  pool table, on a car, kitchen countertops, closet, balcony, beach, siblings/parents bed, taxi/subway, movie theatre, dressing room at mall, hotel room, trampoline, kitchen table, in an elevator. This list continues but that's a pretty solid start.

*use discretion public indecency is a crime.

9. Make sure you and he are both good kissers. Everyone forgets the importance of kissing in sex. sex is so much better when the kisses are good.

10. Go in there with confidence. If you tell yourself you are the hottest bitch there and think to yourself he's going to dream about this night when he is married I assure you will have at the very minimum good sex. Don't be ashamed of your body. Don't doubt your 'talents' the more confident you are the better sex you will have

Where it Began

I used to worry it would never happen again. 3 weeks later I have come to accept that it's not going too. I tell myself this "He doesn't want you. He's not going to change his mind. All you can do is accept it and move on." I even sometimes right on my hand aamo for accept and move on.  I am always real with myself. I know when a guy doesn't like me and when he does and I am brave and strong enough to accept when he doesn't. I am not like those girls who hold out hope for someone who is NEVER going to come around. I don't even talk to my friends about because I know they will be encouraging and try to make me feel better about it. But I don't want to give myself encouragement. I want to be real with myself.  If he wanted to get it in again he would have within the last three weeks. He hasn't. He doesn't want too.  And all I can do is accept that he doesn't want to and move on. 

He texted me around the time he got off work the first time we did it the day after the first time we did it. But never replied after that. Sometimes late at night I allow myself to wonder if he got that text. Why text me and then not reply after that? If he had the intention of hanging out again asked me three times in person and even texted me the day of why did he not respond? I guess I will never know why. The what if of him not getting that texts leads to hope and hope is not a place I like to linger. So it used to be the fear of it not happening again. Now I fear I'll forget.  I don't want to forget. I've been putting it off and putting it off. I've avoided writing it down facing that it will and reaching a point where it might not happen again. So here it goes, the story.. and down the rabbit hole I go.

I guess it all started when he came to work at the same restaurant I do. I'm not afraid to put I've put him the weeds a couple times. One morning, I think it was Wednesday we started talking about our goals. He came up to the host stand and we just started talking. I think I kept the conversation going mostly because in the back of mine I was thinking about Cam. It was funny to get to talk to someone who was so important to her. We bonded over our goals he wants to go to physical therapy school - I want to go to med school or nursing school. I guess you could say we are both driven. We want to have successful careers  and we want to make lots of money. I remember how easy it was to talk to him. After he left the host stand to check on a table I would find myself hoping he'd come back. I wanted to keep talking and here what he said. He was not only easy to talk to but I enjoyed the conversation. I wasn't even thinking about doing it or anything like that. I just wanted him to keep standing there and keep talking. It all began, at the host stand, like most things in my life have.  Unlike most guys, he had me when he started talking. And once we started talking it began to grow. 

My Current Predictament

One of the best feelings at 11:11 is not having any thing to wish for. If you reach the point in your life be so thankful that you don't having anything to wish for. It's not going to be that way forever so enjoy the time you have where everything in your life is in place.

I'm not like most girls. When I like a guy or even if I am just attracted to a guy, I won't text him. I won't make any effort towards him. I probably won't even bring him up. I try to surpress everything I feel for him. I know that feelings get in the way especially at this time in my life. I don't like the way having feelings for someone makes me look -- weak. That's part of the reason why I try to deny my feelings but it's mostly that I don't like to lose the control. Everyone knows that the person who cares the least has control and I always want that to be me. So if I guy doesn't care about me I don't even remember his name.

But here's the thing. I want to spend more time with this guy. I want to be thrown on the leather couch again. I want to drink wine with him again. I want to see him make his "is this really happening face" again. I see us on our high school football field. I want to dance with him so badly. I want to go out and just chill. I want to hear his stories. I want him to flirt with me again. I want him to text me. And it kills, absolutely kills me, that I actually want to sleep with him again. I don't want him to be my boyfriend. I don't care if he has sex with other girls. I just want to sleep with him again and I want to hang out with him as friends. I hate that I feel this way. But I do. I probably won't feel this way forever and I'll find someone new, but for now I wonder what it would be to be with and hope I'll get to spend time with him. I don't need a boy. I have me and I'm awesome god daminit. I have the best friends I could ever ask for. I have a family of smart asses who I love every second I am with them. I don't need this boy. But late nights I can't deny what I desire. And it's him. I know he doesn't want me. I am a big girl and I can respect that. So I'll do it with my friend in the lifetime bathroom to make it better but I know I'm gonna wish it was him.  I can't tell you how many times I've looked at my phone hoping he'd text me. When someone stops liking you there's nothing you can do to change it. All I can do if forget about the flirting, the kisses, and the good. I'm gonna block it out so I can stop wanting something I can't have. But even with all this determination I can't help wondering where are you right now and wishing I was with you.

xoxox

Naturally Speaking

I am one of the most unassuming people ever. I could be a little bit delusional. When I look in the mirror I see someone who wears a size 12 and has a facial deformity. I am really actually skinny and pretty. I am 5'7 and my face is a 6.77 on the symmetrical on the golden ratio scale. The golden ratio is the mathematical equation for perfection. 4 is average. 7 is a knockout. So some might say I am cute or attractive. Once I realized that I was cute it all went down hill from there. I'm a hostess at restaurant and a day does not go by that I don't flirt with someone or get hit on. I don't do it on purpose it just happens. I just talk to the opposite sex in a very flirty way. I have been told many times that I have a huge flirty smile. I don't even realize that I smile flirty when I am doing it. Once boys started to notice me I never really had to work at it. I've never had anyone tell me to kiss differently. No one taught me to grind. I just rode a dick without thinking about it. I didn't even think the first time I was on top. My friend who doesn't know any of this always tells me boys came naturally for me. I am beginning to agree with her. I have Friends who have had to work on things like flirting or kissing but not me. I am not sure why it came so natural for me but it didn't. It took me months to learn how to ride a bike. I still haven't mastered roller blading. But the day I started with boys I picked it up. Maybe some people are natural lovers just like some people are natural basket ball players or painters. I'd never call myself of expert on doing stuff but whenever I've done anything with a guy for the first time, it just happened to go smoothly. I didn't even realize what I was doing.

Things All Teenagers Should Know

Things I'd like to tell myself when I was still naive. Back when I wasn't cynical or hardened and I would let a boy take me on a date. I hope you consider my advice. I hope it helps someone out there.

1. Never start smoking. Sure one cigarette won't kill you and you probably won't get hooked. Smoking just one cigarette turns into 'only smoking when your drunk.' Don't put them in your body. Don't get cancer and don't get wrinkles. 

2. You are going to get your heart broken. Nothing lasts forever. The guy you like will blow you off. Your best friend won't want to be your friend anymore. It's not going to be easy, and all you can do is learn to do is to move on and start over. Time and emotional replacement -- like  a new crush or a new friend help the most. 

3. Once you cross a line you can't go back. Once you lose your virginity you can't get it back. And chances are once you do something once it will be less of a big deal to do it again. Know your limits and what you are comfortable with and don't back down for anyone. 

4.Know yourself. love yourself. respect yourself. People who love themselves usually have the most successful relationships. If you don't love yourself you will throw yourself around. How can someone love you if you don't love yourself? Respect yourself and people will respect you. Knowing yourself is a process but you are going to be in relationship with yourself for the rest of your life. 

5.Inner beauty trumps outer beauty. ALWAYS. Nothing is more attractive than a a friendly, sincere person. Enthusiasm and personable goes a long way. No one wants to be around a pretty asshole. Be a person that other people want to be around. Smiles and laughs should be more important than what kind of foundation you are wearing. I always think to myself if I was going to be abducted in the target parking lot tomorrow how would my friends and family describe me to the world in interviews?

6. No one likes someone who needy. If you constantly find yourself attacking someone or begging for reassurance you need to stop the relationship and gain a little self confidence. Never make a relationship your entire life. 

7. Life doesn't stop for anyone. We're all on this crazy train of life that goes 500 mph. Life goes by very quickly and you don't get a redo. Don't linger in the past look where you are headed next There is no reverse. Think before you speak. love and laugh often. Drink up and don't think just feel.  Do what pleases you and don't give a damn about anyone else. Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't fear anything. Don't be afraid to change your mind or go after what you want the most. 

Yankee Doodle Dandy

Yesterday was Fourth of July and mine a little bit different.  I went to my grandpa's, a frat pool party, my bst friends house and a club. I spent most of the day with my two best friends. I met one at work and she introduced me to the other girl. They always call me their best friend and I've been thinking about what best friends really means.I think it has something to do with memories. In the past year I've spent every major holiday with them- Christmas, Halloween, new years, and now fourth of July. I also can rely on them to some degree Which is more than I can for most people.


The frat pool party was crazy. There were tons of people. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. Except for the girls unflattering swimsuits. That never ceases to shock me. I loved being my best friends house. It was bursting at the seems and I loved seeing her house full of people. Friends talking and kids running around jumping the pool and grandma holding a baby two mom exchanging recipes. These two kids came up to my best friend's mom to say goodbye and say thank you. And that made me feel kind of special. This wasn't  just someone's house I came over occasionally this was my best friends house. And I didn't just go up to Kathy and say thank you. It wasn't just a lady who hosted a party it was my best friends house. And I wasn't just hanging out with some girls - I was hanging out with my best friend. It's an awesome thing when people mean something to you. It doesn't happen very often so acknowledge and treasure it. 


So after a missing ID we finally made it to the club. I got mad at Court for making me leave early. I wanted to stay. I wanted to dance with Jesse. I was also exhausted, had only eaten one burger all day and dehydrated from dancing. She took to McDonald's and I got a 6 piece chicken nuggets and felt so much better. (6 piece nuggets are a huge rip off. You can get six for 3.50 or fourty nuggets for 5.00.) Because that's what families do. After you pitch a fit about leaving, they feed you so you start acting sane again. You laugh as they try to eat a dipped ice cream cone as it drips everywhere but then help them clean their steering wheel off.  As much as sometimes they drive me crazy. When we get mad at each other. We don't always agree with each other choices. But when the bad times come we are there for each other. When the important days happen I turn and they are at my side.  They are my family. 


The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don't. But, in the end, they're the people you always come home to. Sometimes it's the family you're born into and sometimes it's the one you make for yourself

It's A Nice Thought

The other day my friend told me her boyfriend thinks that there going to get married. After just getting back together for 24 hours, I was taken a back. I asked her if she shared the same sentiment. She told me not after they broke up  but she used to believe they would. I asked in a somewhat blunt manner why in the world she thought she would ever marry him. Her response it's a nice thought. I haven't really been able to get over it. What is it with these girl who can't even purchase alcohol, can't even stand in the adult line in a club talking about a commitment that could affect them for the next 60 years? People always say don't drink and drive your life will be over but what about getting married too young. You can't get the years back from a bad marriage anymore than years spent in jail.

I have a lot of nice thoughts. I'd like to win the lottery. I'd like to write a new york times bestseller. I'd like to open up an orphange in Africa. I'd like to go to Vegas and win big. I'd like to adopt a puppy. I'd like to live in my own apartment. These are all nice thoughts but none are even probable right now.

No one would ever let their 18 year old run and around thinking they were getting into harvard and not apply to any other college. Getting into harvard is a nice thought but it doesn't always happen. Nice thoughts don't always work out.

And let's just say you break up. Isn't it harder to break up with someone who you thought was going to be your boyfriend? girls are deluded.

Who I am vs Who I used to Be

In the past.....

I used to have a best friend who I told everything too and did everything with. I talked to her almost everyday.

I cared about having a date for certain occasions like prom or valentines

I even wanted a boyfriend when I was 16.

I used to dream of having a family.

I used to dress differently around my family than with my friends.

I had a better relationship in God.

I used to believe in waiting to have sex. 

At one point I didn't even know how to grind. 

I used to care about when I stood in my relationships.

I cared what other people thought. 

I would get hurt so easily and cry myself to sleep.

I was lonely sometimes. 

Today.....

I dance like a stripper.

I have a lot of friends all whom I love very much.

I don't really have a best friend. And my one everyday best friend won't talk to me. But not a day goes by that I don't wonder how she's doing. always in my heart destiny xoxo

I make myself into an object intentionally 

I drink twice a week on average

I am a total smart ass

I have casual sex

I don't pray very often

I miss my grandma

I miss the boy that makes me laugh

I am way to comfortable being on my own all the time

I don't worry about what other people think about me

I believe in myself

I am more aware of how I can make people feel

I never want to hurt anyones feelings

I love everyone 

Happy Hostess

What people forget about hostess is that they are the mastermind. They can make it the best night of your life or you can run around for two hours begging for mercy. I don't understand why people intentionally piss me off. If you make me mad I will put ugly girls, girl with boyfriends, Indians, black people, special ed kids, or girls on dates in your section. If you keep me happy I won't double seat you and I might throw a cute girl or two your way. If you try to report me to the manager you will be on my list forever. And if you get on my good side and get to be my favorite server I'll give you the best tables. If servers were smart they would buy me drinks and shower me with compliments. I am not going to say manipulating me is all that hard. So moral of the story don't piss of the girl who is single handily in charge of your fate for the rest of the night.

Thoughts on Porm

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Who I Am Not

I know there's plenty of girl s out there who dream of who dream of first dates at the cheesecake factory. Who's heart would skip beats if their boy brought them flowers. Who want their boys to meet their families. Who want to meet their boys families. I'm not one of those girls. I don't want a boy to come shopping with me and hold all my clothes as he thinks about quick escapes or ways to kill himself. I don't want to bitch at a boy for playing xbox, going to the gym and always hanging out with the guys. I just want a guy I can party with. Who invites me to his crazy adventures. I would just like a consistent boy to mess around with. I am a whore for not wanting to commit right now? I don't want to make a boy a four course meal. I don't want to share dessert. I don't want to cuddle and watch a movie. I don't care if his friends like me or not. I don't want to revolve my life around a boy. I am so sick of being judged and being teased and called names just because I approach love and sex like a guy. What's so wrong with just being myself and finding out what I like and not giving a damn? Why is it so bad that I don't want these things. I like me and I am a lot happier with me than depending on a guy. I don't want to go to breakfast I don't want to cuddle. I don't care if I am the slutty friend. Maybe I am a slut. But I'll never be a fragile. Talking shit about me to your friends won't make me cry. I have high self esteem. If you don't text me before 12 I will not sleep with you. If I am not the first choice, and I'm not down if your really really drunk or if everyone else said no. I don't care if girls like me. I don't want a boy to love me, I want him to want me. Maybe I am insane. I am not going to wait for your text. I am not easy to get. I am not going to drunk text you. I am not desperate. I don't care where I stand. I don't care if you never text me again. I don't want to be anyones valentine. I am not like all the other girls. 

Me on Me

I can always sense change. 


I hate cookie cutter weddings. 


I am extremely honest and up front about everything. But not the point of bluntness. I am real.


My dog is my favorite person and when she dies I am going to get a tattoo for her.


I am a terrible speller.


I have no tattoos and only my ears pierced once. I used to have two cartilage but I took them out.


I am a hostess at a brewhouse. 


I've listend to Somewhere Only We Know by Keane over a thousand times.


I've never had a boyfriend except for in elementary school.


I smoke entirely too much hookah.


I am dying to visit New York City.


I love being outside it calms me down.


My biggest fears are snakes wrinkles and spider veins.


I've been using anti wrinkle cream since I was 17. 


I am 19 now.


I want to be a stripper for a few months before I die. Partly to learn certain skills and partly to be able to say I did.


I like giving head and I think most girls would have more fun if they stopped hating it and got good at it. 


I sometimes dream of living a life like Miss. Rumphius.


I've always wanted to write and illustrate my own picture book.


I come up with my halloween costume months in advance. 


I had barely any friends in high school.


I don't want to get married until I am 30, but I might not ever get married.


I love having guy friends. 


I've been hurt a lot. I'm getting to the point though where I am numb to pain. I rarely get hurt anymore.


When I drink I am happy outgoing and flirty.


I rarely get mad or yell at people unless it involves my brother.


I want friends like on How I Met Your Mother. 

How To Score Points With Me

When your 19 and you never had a boyfriend you get really good at knowing what you want. While some  girls have been on dates with a couple different guys over and over again and are so blinded they have no idea what they like and don't like. I hit and quit it so much I know what I like in someone. I have begun to see the differences. I am going to be real. I know what I bring to the table and I'd like to be matched. 


1. Confidence. I know I'm pretty and I know what I can get. But if you can't talk to me or try to hard you should just give up. I am a tease and I like a tease. Let's play games. Don't make yourself too available to me. Don't act like you really like. Be as much as a tease I am and flirt as much as I do nd were set. How I got this rule: A guy came to visit me at work not once but twice drunk and acting crazy. If you need alcohol to get the nerve to talk to me forget it. 


2. Decisiveness. I can call the shots and I am not afraid to but the first time we hang out it's all up to you. Where we go. What we do. You are the boy so you come up with something that will hold my attention for more than 15 seconds. Don't ask me what I think we should do, I am easy going I don't care what we do. And if you can't come up with something to do I'l either won't hang out with you or you'll never get me into bed. Because if you don't know what you like to do when you chill with a girl you are sure as hell not going to know what you like with a girl in bed. If I don't like Sushi I'll tell you and we'll go somewhere else but the fact that you chose somewhere you like scores you points in my book. 


3. Good Dancer. I bring it in the dance floor. I am social. I should be ashamed of how I dance. I need someone with at least half of my skills. And let's face it guys don't have to do much to be considered 'a good dancer'. If you dance like a scrawny white kid at a middle school dance I'm moving on. 


4. Sense of Humor. Make me laugh. I am a sarcastic, I am a smart ass. I laugh at inappropriate times. If you can't make me laugh than I will not continue to talk with you. You have to get my sense of humor and be able to match it. 


5.Like you enough to be friends. Despite my carefree ways I am realistic. I know a lot of people date to get married. And marriage and kids doesn't seem like one huge party to me. Kid won't shut up and you have to drive them everywhere and you go dumb kids places where there's yelling and play places and you have to change diaper sand get thrown up. It seems like kids will suck every sexual impulse out of me. Some if I am going to be stuck in a house with little people who scream and watch finding nemo my husband is going to be my very important to my sanity. And to get through it all he's got to be able to be my friend like we can do best friend stuff outside of being lover. But not that codependent non sense where I can't make a step without him. I just want things to be more fun when the kids are killing us because we enjoy each other company as friend. Maybe I'm a dreamer but the stress of misbehaving kids seems less when you can turn to your best friend and laugh about it. I like being friends first so when down the road I'm stuck driving a Lexus crossover filled with whiny brats in the back and we're going to beach and the kids won't shut up I can look over at my husband and just enjoy being with him. Like we are crazy enough to do it together in the barnes and noble bathroom but we can also sit on the porch and just talk about everything. 

Random Thoughts

I do my best thinking in the shower. Which is becoming very annoying because sometimes I don't want to analyze. I don't want to stir up all this anxiety about what comes next. I don't want to have to face what I desire. But, every time I get in the shower it's the over thinking fest which leaves me mentally exhausted. Life is so much easier when you just live and don't think. 


It kinda makes me sad that I grinded on about ten guys on Thursday and I woke up with no remorse no embarrassment or even regrets. Even now all I do is want to do it again. 


I've been thinking lately about people who talk about wanting to get married like right now. Nothing gets me more sassy than when someone tells me they want to get married now. To me getting married now is like never going to high school and going to striaght to college. If we never went to high school would ever be ready for college? I just don't get girls sometimes. Why would you want to not be able to go out? Why would you want to have to cook meals for someone else, pick up for someone else, always have to take in that other person's opinion-- all for bad sex maybe one or twice a week. I'm not considering marriage until I'm thirty. I just don't get blinded by life. I like being a me not a we. I haven't had a boyfriend since kindergarden and I don't plan on it changing anytime soon.