What I Want

There are plenty girls out there, but I’m not like any of them. I’m the type of girl likes to drive with the windows down for no reason. I speed. I live on kale and bananas. I know what kind of Chanel purse I am going to buy when I start making big girl money yet I also know who the 49ers quarterback is.  I love art and I the outfits I wear are my personal artistic statement. I drink coffee almost everyday. I love my golden retriever more than anything in this world and in my eyes she will always be a puppy. I want a guy who will take me hiking on our first date. I sing in the car but not in the shower. I like to watch documentaries on Netflix. I smile cheesy.  I love to laugh so hard I can feel it in my stomach. I can never really be mean to anyone. But I do have one thing in common with all the other girls: what I want.  I want to what it feels likes to cuddle with a guy in my bed or go to brunch just because or to meet his parents or to apologize to him because I am on my period and being extra cranky and I know it’s not right to take it out on him or laugh in the car on the way back from the river as I drive and he makes fun of my driving or take a bath with someone to be romantic or how to fight and make up and how good the make up hug feels or how scary it would be to initiate that hug or how hard it would be to say goodnight or how nervous I would be to go the doctor to get birth control but I could close my eyes and picture him and know it was worth it or what it be like to kiss mid conversation or to go to a really fancy place and he'd wear the kind of shirt that buttons down and I'd wear or dress or for someone to notice I shaved my legs and how soft they were or for someone to run their hands through my hair or to playfully kiss and giggle a little like were 13 and we don't know what were doing or to get lost on a country road and make love under the stars or to wake up early and watch the sunset together or to be sad when he changes plans to hang out with guys but glad he has guy friends to hang out with or to go with me to my brother's soccer game or to go to his high school and fuck under the bleachers of the football field like we’re 16 and it’s our first time or to kiss my forehead and tell me he loves me or to rub my back when I have cramps or to hold my hands and smile with his eyes and eyebrows or to go with me to painting with a twist or to have a glass a wine with on a Friday night with or to watch movies with instead of going out or to go shopping with a pick out outfits for me or to dance in my kitchen to micheal buble or to attempt to cook for and laugh when it turns out to be a huge mess or call him and not my dad when I get a flat tire or to throw a ton of clothes into a suitcase and go to the airport and look at the outgoing flights and pick one to go to dinner with me and my mom or to visit him at work or to climb mountains with or to wake up to good morning texts or to meet his friends or to go to hookah with my friends and they have to awkwardly look away because we're kissing or to buy him a football cupcake on valentines or to have someone you can't wait to wear your new bra for or for my dresses to fall to the floor and not because they are dirty or have reason to push to arm rest up for at the movies or to go on spontaneous mini road trips with or to spend the night at a hotel on our anniversary and have champagne or for someone to win me stuffed animals or what it's like to miss someone so bad an hour feels likes weeks or to day dream in class about the plans for our weekends or the random sweet texts that make my heart skip beats or the smell of his shirts or the type of boxers he likes or how soft his shirts are and how he thinks I'm sexy in his old tee shirt and lacy underware or to dream of a future together or to make jokes about kids or  years later I still get butterflies or never having to ask if he loves me because I feel it in my heart. 

I don’t know what love is.

I don’t know what love feels like.

I just want to love someone with my entire heart.

And be loved back.

He doesn’t need to be perfect or drive the fanciest car or be super smart and majoring the hardest science ever. His joke’s doesn’t always have to be funny. He’ll miss a few hairs when he shaves. He’ll get cocky when he’s drunk and we’ll fight.  It won’t be “I miss you. I love you texts” everyday all day. Sometimes he’ll want to hangout with his friends and I’ll want to hang out with him. He’ll forget where he parked the car. He’ll get us lost when I told him to figure out where we are going. He’ll have annoying habits. He will get irritated when I have to have one cigarette when I’m drunk. He'll have the one tee shirt he always wears. Sometimes I’ll think he’s a huge dork.

He will wonder why I still keep stuffed animals in my room. I won't always say the right things.My curled hair will look straight by the end of the date. I will get drunk after having two glasses of wine and be that drunk girl at the party. I won't like all of his friends. I'll lock my keys in the car.He'll tell me to be ready by ten and I'll be fourty- five mins late.I'll have annoying habits. I'll question why he thinks it's fun to get stoned.  I'll start a fight over nothing. He'll think I spend to much money on clothes.

Because at the end of the day all that stuff doesn't really matter. It matters what kind of guy he is and I want a someone who is a good person. Who has patience with me when I am being stupid and stubborn. Who doesn’t mind my tendency to organize. Who loves me for who I am and would never want to change me. Who like me loves to laugh and has enthusiasm to try new things. Who makes a good impression on my parents. Who will sit next to me in church. Who values education and is a hard worker but whose life is not consumed by work. Who doesn’t expect every free moment of time to be his or expect me to text him every second. Who understand how important school is to me. Who makes jokes. Who holds the door. Who says 'excuse me' and 'thank you.' Who likes sports. Who loves his life and has a positive view of the world.

But even with all my flaws and all his flaws. And even though we won’t always agree and there will be fights and tears and at one time I will even ask myself whether or not I want to keep this up.  I will find love where there will be more kisses than angry words. More happy moments than bad ones. Where we don’t have to see each other every and if we don't we miss each other. Where we are both two genuinely content people who add to happiness in their lives by having relationship. The relationship is not the only good thing about our lives. 

I want all these things but I might not get all these things. 

I pray for patience until I meet the love of my life.

I am just one girl in a huge world. When the time is right it will happen.

I will hold out for the real thing.

Because I know, unequivocally, he is out there.